While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie popped out.
Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it?
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a ……..
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m okay with it.
Anyone can mash potatoes.
No one is willing to do it.
The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.
A few days later, when the woman woke up, she noticed that was no longer pregnant and asked the doctor what happened to her baby. The doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A baby girl and baby boy!" The woman was relieved to hear this, but the doctor continued. "However, per hospital policy, we needed names for the children. Since you were unconscious, your brother named your children for you." "Oh, no!" she cried. "My brother is an idiot! What terrible names did he give my babies?" The doctor replied, "Your brother named your daughter Denise." The woman was pleasantly surprised. "That's… that's actually not bad! What did he name the boy?" "Denephew."
Because they're always stuffed.
My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!!”
"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"
No ones given me a straight answer.
Grandma's taking it pretty hard.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Inmate: It’s bec… Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have… Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?! Officer: Sure. Parole denied!
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
and then it hit me
Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.
You have my Word
Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me! Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!
I have 2020 vision.
The same thing Arkansas.
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, it’s Wreck It Ralph. She’s 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!
But its harder to deter gents
Nuts and bolts