Whiny little bitch
A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips…
"Are you the friar?" he asked. The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face before.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
https://ift.tt/3fzDfPk
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
A blonde got tired of blonde jokes…
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
Why was the boxer in the furniture shop?
He was shopping for beddingdingding.
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian
How did Jesus stay so ripped?
Pontius Pilates and CrossFit
I’d tell a Jonestown joke, but
the punchline is too long
dating me
pros and cons of dating me pros : dating cons: me
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.
My christmas plant has lost it’s leaves,
now it's a disapointsettia.
A child’s laughter is the best thing you can hear.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
A gay couple is traveling on a plane. Let’s call them Steve and Bill.
"What if we had sex?" asks Steve. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"
What do you call a time period when Lamborghini starts to produce electric cars only?
"Silence of the Lambs"
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, “Oi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”
The man says, “It’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”
– I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. “You fucking prick, that’s so inappropriate!” she screamed. “Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don’t angry at you about that!” I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs…
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didn’t have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
I’ve come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems…
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
“Hey girl, lets go to my place, we can watch a movie or something.”
"I don't know… do you have any toilet paper there?"
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
