White Christmas
If a cowboy is happy
Does that make him a jolly rancher?
What did the farmer do for his pig that had awful body odor?
He rubbed Oink-mint on it.
When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he’s dead,
He's decomposing
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.
Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline.
Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma?
There is no menu. You get what you deserve.
I have a fear of speed bumps
I’m slowly getting over it
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
There are 10 kinds of people…
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel?
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
Host: What are you?
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
A Boy worked in the produce section of the supermarket
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do. He walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce.” As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, “So he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half,” The manager okayed the deal. Later the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where’re you from, son?” The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”. “Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” asked the manager. The boy replied, “There all just whores and hockey players up there.” “My wife is from Minnesota,” the manager said. The boy replied, “Really!? What team did she play for?”
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
Did you know that TON spelled backwards is NUT
No it’s not
I was attacked by 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were against me
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment…
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. "What's that gong for?" the friend asks him. "It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock." "How does it work?" The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole…it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy
At least that’s what her diary said
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher
I also told him she wants him to clean his room
What is a geographers favourite genre of music?
World music
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor.
I was adopted. My father found me on a poker table.
He said "I see you and I raise you."
