Whiteboards are remarkable.
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What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer
Boobs are like the sun
You can only stare at them for a few seconds . But if you put sunglasses on, you can stare at them all you want.
I’m really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
If I have twin daughters I’ll name one Kate,
and the other duplikate.
You got to hand it to short people
They probably can't reach it anyways
Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice…
Except Chris Brown
What did Delaware?
Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.
All countries eventually got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat.
Went to a zoo that only had one animal in it, and it was a dog.
It was a pretty Shih Tzu
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly. “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man – not wanting to be out witted by the other two men – looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
My friend is trying to market his design for an invisible aeroplane.
I can’t see it taking off.
what do you call a canoe that’s 50% off?
A sale boat.
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
I always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? I waited an entire year to say this
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
You can never run through campgrounds
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
Two years ago my doctor told me I’m going deaf
I haven't heard back from him since
Presidents
Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents: – We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits – saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud … – Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody! – Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little … we swear at Trump, but in a whisper … we throw at him … but in front of our TVs … – Well, I exaggerated a bit as well … We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down … [Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost]
Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and a computer cable?
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
Why do nurses always bring red crayons to work?
In case they need to draw blood
I only lasted a month at the calender factory.
They fired me after taking a day off
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
I don’t get jokes about school shootings
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
Yo momma is so vegan and fat…
..that she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.
What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob
