Who are they mad at?
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
Asking for a friend.
Math puns make me number
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on? Her: Paper. I was so proud.
Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.
Dad: Aw, he is saying his first words. Son: D-dad, I'm fucking 30 and stop making fun of my stutter.
He was a neck romancer.
Nothing happened. But our kids loved it
The man asks, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?”
I don't see the use of water with holes
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄 Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲 Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree. Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓 Me: Oooof Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you? Him: I wooden know about that
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
But I will raise it.
He says he can stop anytime.
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me: “Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer…” pauses for effect “…I guess I let it go to my head.”
You put a nipple on it
Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”
A constellation prize.
I tried to find a lighter and they had only 45324 matches…
Doesn’t matter, he ain’t coming.
I suggested he become a pharmacist. He says he's got no experience. I said "whatever," all you do is follow the script!
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
As they were walking around the office, the girl started crying. Her father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered around she sobbed loudly 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?'
Looks like she is preparing some kind of barbie queue.
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
And a chair. And a table.