Three sisters get married, each to another man
The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them. She decides to take each of them on a walk separately. The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your father in-law, James"
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
In college, I was so broke that I couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells…
Does that make them shotgun snails?
The girl with no arms and legs laying by the pool
There’s a girl with no arms and legs laying by a pool. She's tanning and enjoying herself when a handsome guy walks by and grabs her attention. She yells over to him and asks if he can help her with something. The guy feels bad for her so he walks over and asks her what she needs. She says, “Well you see…I’m a virgin, and you are a very good looking guy." The guy looks at her confused as to what she is hinting at. She continues, "I've never had sex before, and I've always wanted to get fucked." The guy responds, "Oh I see what you mean now." So he throws her in the pool and says, “Now you’re fucked.”
Why did Shakespeare always write using a pen?
Pencils confused him…2B or not 2B?
I got a letter from the President today! I knew exactly which quote to pair it with.
https://ift.tt/2QNcAUD
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwww.
I just got out of a heated debate with a friend of mine who read an article on this
https://ift.tt/36skeKs
arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said…
…I still love vista baby.
I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..
April 13th, 2020 Presidential Campaign Rally Masquerading as a COVID-19 Task Force Briefing
https://ift.tt/2Vbc0Tj
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.
Kid: mmmph.. mmrr…
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
I’ve got my corduroy pants, my corduroy shirt, and my corduroy hat…
One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer…
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"
I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke
But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways
I put LEDs on her engagement ring
Her face lit up when I proposed
My wife is always threatening to harm me if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils…
but that’s a wisk I’m willing to take.
Who is the coldest comedian?
Bill Brrrr…
A sailor and a priest are out golfing.
The sailor takes his first swing and slices it hard to the left of the green. "FUCK! I missed!" exclaimed the sailor. "My son! Please refrain from using that type of language, The Lord can hear you!" gasps the priest. The sailor apologizes and they proceed with their game. The sailor now attempts to chip his ball out of the brush. He gets off a good shot, but it rolls back into a sand trap. "Fuck, I missed!" he says again. "My son! Please, refrain from such sinful language! You will anger the Lord!" the priest pleads. The sailor apologizes and they continue their game. The sailor takes a whack at his ball from the sandtrap. He has a great shot, landing the ball right on the green. Still it's not good enough for him, so yet again he mutters "fuck, I missed!" The priest bursts out, yelling "my son! The Lord will strike you down should you continue in your sinful ways! You will be punished for your sins!" The sailor apologizes profusely and lines up his putt. The putt heads straight for the hole… and then runs around the rim and stays out. "FUCK! I MISSED!" the sailor exclaims, louder than before. Out of nowhere, a lightning bolt shoots from the sky. It streaks down from the clouds and hits the priest, instantly killing him. A deep, booming voice from the heavens speaks… "FUCK! I MISSED!
Do you want to why I get along well with short people?
It’s because they look up to me.
I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.
I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.
My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
Is this sub dead?
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,
and a Czech one too.
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
I walked into a bookstore and asked an employee “Do you have any books by Shakespeare?”
Employee: Of course sir. Which one? Me: William.