WHO are you helping by cutting the funding?
Found this gem on Facebook.
Got an ice cream for my girlfriend
Best trade i ever made.
calling it as she sees it
My friend charges £20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
This hits home
Chemistry really do be like that
I’m running for the United States- … you know, you know the thing!
There is a thin Line Between Hate and Love, and that is …
The logic of Cruz and religion
I’d be jobless within minutes
Out of Touch…
My wife was in labour and started shouting “Wouldn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"
I honestly was amazed when I first wrote something in Python
Everyone knows that the zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210 thanks to the show, but not as many people know the zip code to Dawson’s Creek.
It’s 90108 …for our lives to be over…
It is honestly hilarious. And sad. It’s also sad
I write codes…!
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,
"Son, you know that one would have been enough."
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant…
…I can't pull anything out in time!
It was beautiful out today
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight
I finally watched Doctor Who.
It was about time.
int three = round(PI);
That’s pretty ironic if you get what I mean.
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back…
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help. A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?” “No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
Never take chidren seriously
They are always kidding.
Disinfectant kills 99.9% of brain cells
It's your count who votes!
Wife: *is pregnant*
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
Naming variables be like
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”
Get ’em Joe
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
Why couldn’t the coast guard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out
OOP be like
Works sucks.. I know
After 25 years, ‘The Far Side’ is back — with an online debut and new comics
Cosmetic surgery used to be something that people would be embarrassed to speak about
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
To keep things in perspective…
those damn labs.
JUST STAY HOME
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later,
A drunk man was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk man ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth.." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
An Irish Daughter…
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a prostitute…." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club….(takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
what do you call a canoe that’s 50% off?
A sale boat.
Ohnuhnuh Shoktitaknuh nuhnuh go go duhnununuh
Totally makes sense.
My friend Jay had twin daughters, and decided to name them after him.
They are named Kay and Elle.
My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar
Yeah, like I'm falling for that
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didn’t do anything at all