Who called it victory and not 5
A wife is clearing out her closet
And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop” The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes” And the husband says “darling if they can fit in your clothes they aren’t starving”
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?
Mycoxafloppin
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
My wife is really mad at the fact I have no sense of direction…
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Why do pirates love this subreddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
My brother got fired from the mortuary for kissing the dead on the throat.
Turns out he was a neck romancer.
Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn’t been allowed to yell “Get down!” when he is under attack…
Instead they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Who don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the shit out of the dog.
Do you want to why I get along well with short people?
It’s because they look up to me.
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, 'My door is always open!'
A few days after Christmas,
a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
I just found out i’m colourblind
The diagnosis came out of the purple
I love the smell of my f5 key…
It is very refreshing
Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma?
There is no menu. You get what you deserve.
Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes?
[remooved]
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions: First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one — which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Confounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd. . ." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind…..but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ." St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
My wife said I don’t tell her she’s pretty enough.
So I told her she's pretty enough.
This one time, all the rooms in a hotel were booked. But then comes this one guy, who asks for a room, in the same hotel, and gets one easily.
Because his name was Improvement. And there's always room for improvement.
The Bard’s barber often asked him if he preferred a clipper cut.
And every time, William spake "shears."
What do you call a fight between a Martian and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
Why did the wine maker have a nervous breakdown?
He just couldn't bottle it up any longer.
I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant..
..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.
Pov: My mom wakes my sleepy ass up to do the dishes
Pov: My mom wakes my sleepy ass up to do the dishes
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely…
…if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What do you call a fart joke that’s been pushed to far?
A shitty joke.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.