Who designed this game?!
You can hide, but you can't run.
St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven." He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?" The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden". St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?" The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve." "Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?" The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one". "Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
It was a game changer.
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
She didn’t know I existed.
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite? NaBrO.
Send them some spam
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”
“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.” “Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?” “Yeah, well, it’s like this, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
All I wanted was one night stand.
Oops, wrong frame of reference.
Me: "So, what do you want to do for dinner?" Him: "Eat, lol. You?"
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”. “Hey, mind your language!” says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a Fucker fish”. Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. “Look at this huge fucker” says the priest, spotting the bishop. “Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop. “No, no that’s what this fish is called, “says the priest. “Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner”. So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. “Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?” he asks her. “My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked. “No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a fucker”, says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!” The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. “Well, I caught the fucker!” says the priest. “And I cleaned the fucker!” says the bishop. “And I cooked the fucker!” says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:“ You know what?, You cunts are alright.”
Because they use the metric system there, Miles.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
But none of them work
One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and say "I'm not a doctor, but…
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Number one, and number two
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike–Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike–it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice. "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You're on the team for this Sunday's match!"
You don’t know what you’re missing.
No canaries there either.
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
You take away its broom.
But they're a solid #2
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
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One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
Constipation is when your body does not give a shit. Diarrhea is when your body cannot get it's shit together.
This just happened at the dinner table. My Dad was talking about how he got up very early for work. The conversation went like this: Dad: “Man, I woke up way too early this morning and it completely threw me out of sync.” Me: “Well, why were you sleeping in the sink?” My Mom rolled her eyes. I am Dad now.
I said people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer