WHO DID THIS GUYS ๐๐๐๐๐
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
I’d tell a Jonestown joke, but
the punchline is too long
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well this isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Embarrassing Situation
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
NSFW: There’s a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.
Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunch break bell rings, Joe is really starving, completely forgets about Bruce and jumps back on the main scaffold without Joe as a counterweight, Bruce falls to his death on the street below. A Frenchman, an Italian and an Australian are together eating in a restaurant. Suddenly the Frenchman sits up and says "Frenchmen love women the most!" Of course the Italian disagrees "No, Italian men love women the most. Why just the other day I took my girlfriend out to the best restaurant, then I took her to a sold-out show and then we went to the best hotel in town. Where we made love all night long. I'd been working overtime and planning this for over a year". The Frenchman says "That's nothing, I took my girl to the most exclusive bar in town, where we drunk the best Champagne. I then took her for a carriage ride along the Montmartre and then to the finest restaurant in Paris, where we ate oysters and foie gras, salmon and beluga caviar. I then took her to the finest hotel in Paris and we made love for two days and two nights". The Australian then pipes up "Nah, you guys aren't even close. Australian men are the most crazy about women." At this, both the Frenchmen and the Italian both wear wry and sarcastic expressions. Before they can say anything, he holds up his hand, and the Australian says "Just hear me out, a year ago this drop dead gorgeous brunnette is walking down the street in a really skimpy outfit, mini skirt and all. The next thing that me and my friends see, is this builder jumps off the top of this tall building, with his cock in his hand and he's screaming out:" "Cuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnt!"
My son got good grades in all his classes except Greek Mythology
That's always been his Achilles Elbow
Iโm a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old…
Any tips for burying him?
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who’s the most vicious vampire among them.
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
The first time I got a universal remote control
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
So a girl comes in late to class…
The teacher asks her โwhy are you late?โ Girl replies, โI was outside blowing bubbles and lost track of time.โ Another girl comes in late, the teacher asks her: โand why are you late?โ Girl replies, โI was out blowing bubbles.โ Once again, another girl comes into class late and the teacher looks over angrily, โand why is that youโre late?!โ Girl replies, โI was just blowing bubbles, sorry.โ The teacher feeling bad for her outburst says โitโs ok, I just want everyone here before the new kid joins our class. Ahh, here he is now,โ the teacher motions to the door. A young, nervous boy walks into the class. The teacher asks โnow why donโt you introduce yourself to the class.โ The boy shyly says โHi, my name is Bubbles.โ
A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing…
After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"
Wouldnโt it be ironic if Trump was brought down
By a virus from China , named after a Mexican beer?
Why should you never touch an electric fence
Because it hertz.
I have been hinting to my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.
Grand Opening of a Vietnamese/Italian Restaurant
Pho Getaboutit
A woman walks into the farmerโs market and says,
โIโd like to buy some tomatoes.โ The clerk says, โIโm sorry maโam, but weโre all out of tomatoes, and wonโt have any for a few days.โ So the woman leaves. A few hours later, the same woman shows up and says, โIโd like to buy some tomatoes.โ The clerk says, โI apologize miss, but weโll be out of tomatoes for the next few days. Actually, werenโt you in earlier today also? How about you give me your number and weโll call when our shipment comes in.โ So she gives him the number and leaves again. Just before the market is getting ready to close, the same woman comes in again and says, โIโd like to buy some tomatoesโ The clerk, exasperated, pulls the woman aside and asks her, โLady, what would you get if you took the sun out of a sunflower? The woman, sort of confused thinks and then replies, โwell, I guess youโd have just a flower.โ He says, โGreat. Now, what would you get if you took the orange out of orange juice?โ The woman, proud of herself responds, โyouโd have only juice.โ โOkay, good job. Now, what do you get if you take the fuck out of tomatoes?โ Perplexed, she finally responds, โwait a minute, thereโs no fuck in tomatoes.โ He yells in her face, โThatโs right, thereโs no fuckinโ tomatoes!!!โ
How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
In the past, the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now, the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?
Oh, high marks
Spiral shaped pasta…
really makes me consider the fusillity of life.
Did you here about the man who broke his funny bone?
They soaked it in water and it became a laughing stock.
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because itโs Tuesday.
I got mugged by six dwarves last night
Not Happy.
A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.
The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him: "Is it true you were working at night?ย How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?" The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."
People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing
And itโs discussing fucking.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Little Teddyโs doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.
The first day home from St. Michaelโs, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again. ย His mother visits his room and says, โYouโre working awfully hard!โ ย โWell,โ Teddy replies, โtoday when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they werenโt fucking around.โ
Whatโs the difference between Spanish and Dad Jokes?
In Spanish, you roll your Rโs and in Dad Jokes you roll your Eyes