Who do Nuns travel in pairs ?
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.
Last weekend I went to see my gf’s soccer match and she did this awesome save…
…She's definitely a keeper! EDIT: This is the first joke I make up myself as a non-native speaker. I'm proud.
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
You ever look at an ancient watering hole and go
“This aged well.”
I just witnessed a guy getting shot with a paintball gun.
He dyed on impact.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Me- “Do you know in middle east most of married girls can’t even vote on Facebook opinion poll”.
Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east". Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".
Why did the wine maker have a nervous breakdown?
He just couldn't bottle it up any longer.
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting!” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers. "This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!" It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance. Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The gentleman was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt.'" "Of course!" the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. "You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?"
A teenager’s car won’t start out at the mall one night
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help. Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life. The teenager is shocked at how easy it was. "Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!" "It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
I spent a summer working on a rabbit farm…
It was a hare raising experience…
Why do dragons sleep at day time?
So they can fight knights.
My son just told me his first dad joke. He’s 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
My Salesforce Admin keeps saying “sWiTcH tO LiGhTnInG” but i just love classic!
https://ift.tt/2XO8bo9
How do you clickbait someone?
No text found
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Welcome to a post from literally any Facebook page that has “laughs” in its name
https://ift.tt/2Pyt6qZ
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.
Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it
2 blind guys were about to fight
I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins! Both started running away.
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
A gay couple, Jeremiah and Timothy, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club…
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a napkin, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy. So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.
Sex with a robot is awful…
He just nuts and bolts
The Australians once killed a bunch of rabbits and proved this. Evolution be sick sometimes.
https://ift.tt/3bpzxoQ
What is Gordan Ramseys favorite disney movie?
Its fucking FROZEN!
There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.
When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said: "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off. Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him. After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the newspaper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up!"
My grandfather’s favourite joke
First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off. Rest in peace grampie. You'll never be forgotten.
I’m not sure what shocked my mailman more
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
