WHO ELSE REMEMBERS THIS😂 #HIMYM #IMSOSADSOMEBODYHOLDME
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
Anyone hear about the Mexican train bomber?
They say he had loco motives.
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s brain…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
Why Jesus and the 3.5″ floppy are the same?
They both died to become the icon of saving.
I put my phone under my pillow last night.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place. Fucking Bluetooth Fairy! Edit: Thank you kind redditer for the Gold.
What did the police do when they caught the thief stealing the desserts from the bakery?
They took him into custardy
My twin preschool boys were playing with foam letters in the bathtub.
One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it. So I turned to my other son and said, "Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T". Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone.
I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant…
She said, “Thanks dad, that means a great deal.”
Student loans you got me through college
I don’t think I can ever repay you
Just so everybody is clear
I’m gonna put my glasses on
I swallowed a bunch of scrabble pieces today.
My next shit could spell disaster.
I just saw some idiot at the gym
he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
It will be a sadder day.
A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing
The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Has anyone heard “Duvet Know it’s Christmas?”
It's a cover version.
My surname is Turner and my daughter…
Well she’s a real Paige Turner
Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?
But most have 4
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He is fine. He woke up
What did the 0 say to the 8 ?
Nice belt
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
Which part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It’s quite bazaar
teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, 8, 10…?
steven: even numbers stephen: ephen numbers