What’s the worlds saddest pizza?
"Pepperlonely"
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sisters underwear.
I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
US government: “The Coronavirus Outbreak Has Officially Reached The United States” Boomers:
https://ift.tt/2OjN7Rs
To be frank,
I'd have to change my name
I just got banned from /r/fashion
Apparently they didn't like my threads
I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder
so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
People who don’t eat gluten…
… are really going against the grain.
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?" Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
With great power comes a huge electricity bill.
No text found
I never believed the chiropractors actually worked
But now I stand corrected
My son seemed really upset that he came in last at the Karate competition.
He was kicking himself.
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?
You add Spring water.
I made my son some scrambled eggs and as he was eating them I turned to him and said
Are they all they were cracked up to be?
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor? Me: No, just the regular one
How do you say ‘what’s up dawg ‘ in Japanese
Konichihuahua
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
A young boy enters a barber shop…
…and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD…
How bad is it you ask? So bad, THAT…. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
I hate dying
It will be the last thing I do.
I heard a rumor about butter. . .
But I don't want to spread it.
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
Three Old men reminiscing in a nursing home…….
……..complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old. The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble." The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out." The third old man said "Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss. Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit." The other two old men look at him and say "So what the hell are you complaining about?" The third old man says "I don't wake up until 7".
After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.” That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. “What are you doing?” “Counting your ribs.”
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.
We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
An African woman called Betty came into the restaurant.
Asked if we had chicken? I replied, “no, black Betty It’s ham or lamb.”
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken