Who failed and at what?
What’s a pirate’s favorite juice?
The Hi-C
Why shouldn’t you ever iron a four leaf clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
I sprayed Windex on a spotted lantern fly today.
He died. It was a clean kill.
Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice…
Except Chris Brown
In college, I lived in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
Both crews have been marooned.
A lamb, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.
Ba dum tss
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
I really hope coronavirus can’t spread through sex
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
“Orion’s belt is a big waist of space”
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didnt have a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
One more secret Trump is trying to keep: How much are taxpayers paying for his vacations
https://ift.tt/2NaNL34
What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c?
Because you can't see in the dark.
A new leaked photo from Nasa reveals an actual photo of Australia taken from the ISS.
https://ift.tt/3361wXD
“I’m sorry,” said the barman, “we don’t serve time travellers.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.
At last I found some concrete IT support
https://i.imgur.com/xKsNWyA.png
A couple is trying to have a kid
they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on. After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again. And then he says: "Gentlemen, you cannot be serious."
Why doesn’t 7 have any frends?
he's odd.
What kind of STD’s do fish get?
Merm-aids
I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant
They changed my mind
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other “you worried about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
What do you get when you mix human DNA with whale DNA?
Kicked out of Sea World
My wife was mad at me for kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator,
but now it's just water under the fridge.
What do u call a tower of pizza boxes?
The leaning tower of pisa
A cardboard belt is…
a waist of paper
“Hey honey, I’m pregnant.”
"Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!" "No you're not."
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear replies, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
