Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand.
(Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says, “I can get the peanut out.” He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father’s nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, “Isn’t he smart? I wonder what he plans to be.” The father says, “From the smell of his fingers, I’d say our son-in-law.”
but then I started to see the signs
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
I'd have to change my name
Two days later, he gets a call from the lab. Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease. Man: So what am I supposed to do now? Doctor: Take her for long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”
Are you suicide? Because I think about you every day. Are you a toaster? Because I really want to take a bath with you. Are you a noose? Because I really want to hang with you. Are you a gravestone? Because I really wish you were on top of me. Are you anti-depressants? Because if I don’t have you every day I’m going to kill myself. Are you a coffin? Because I really wish I was inside you right now. Are you a coroner? Because I really want you to inspect my body. Are you a death certificate? Because I really wish you were mine. Are you an electrical outlet? Because I really want to stick my fingers in you. Are you traffic? Because running into you would really make my day. Are you a sinking ship? Because I’d really like to go down on you.
I woke up exhausted
…well would you look at that, it's a tie.
Love means nothing to them.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
A sale boat.
Give it a badge and a gun
It's called AD/BC
But now I’m not so sure.
There was no chemistry
Doc: "Are you sure?" Me: "…I'm Definite."
I won’t rest until I find it.
Don’t know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I’d won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
I saw it with my own eyes.
It seemed very shady.
…but it’s harder to deter gents
Clothes, but no cigar.
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”
I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."