Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand.
(Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
My Wife and I were watching Disney+ and it started to lag.
My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, it’s Wreck It Ralph. She’s 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Cause they’re dead
So I had an interview last year
The interviewer: You answers should be quick Me: Ok Interviewer: what is 1490/52? Me:quick
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
Why did the pianist get arrested?
Because he was fingering minors.
A college girl finds out she’s pregnant….
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them "I'm pregnant." Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer: "Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
During the quarantine, my 4 year old has been learning Spanish. Yet, he still can’t say please.
Which I think is poor for four.
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded
I can Nazi
My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me “The Love Machine”.
Because I suck at tennis.
If life gives you melons…
You might have dyslexia.
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found on the first page of a google search using keywords and it isn’t a quick edit of an existing template, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived on the Bay they’d be bagels
The boy’s dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled “Ass!” And the boy heard…
(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.) The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard… "Daddy, what does ass mean?" "It means… beard." Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard… "Big sis, what does shit mean?" "It means… coat." In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and bastards!" And the boy heard… "Auntie, what does bitches and bastards mean?" "It means… boys and girls. In their kitchen, the boy's mom was cooking a turkey, then accidentally burnt herself. She was so surprised she yelled "Fuck!" And the boy heard… "Mom, what does fuck mean?" "It means… cook." The boy knew that company was coming over, so he opened the door for them. He said, "Good afternoon bitches and bastards! You can go hang your shits on the shit rack and come in! Dad's shaving his ass and mom's fucking the turkey."
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Hand him a used tampon and ask which period it’s from.
Just got an app that tells me which one of my relatives are racist
It's called Facebook
People say i look better without glasses
But i just can't see it.
Just another overly dramatic post.
https://i.redd.it/vrrnd0bt6ca41.jpg
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It's fucking r/aww
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”
Why do females make the best archaeologists?
Because they absolutely love digging up everything that has happened in the past.
How do you tell a joke is a dad joke
It’s apparent
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
