Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand.
(Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.
I don't listen and something else…
I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”
“Yes… but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
I couldn’t help but smile as the infant-ry marched on the capitol.
There's nothing cuter than a babies' coup.
xi jinping has coronavirus
He is now called winnie the flu
My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms
and it hertz alot.
My landlord said he needed to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is…
I told him, "Anytime, my door is always open!"
Who is Gaston?
The winner of the no Belle prize.
Dads are like Boomerangs.
I hope.
Security professionals advise to never use ‘beef stew’ as a password
It isn’t stroganoff
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard. The cop rubs his chin and thinks for a moment and then says " OK lady, I'll take that bet." He guesses that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “However did you guess that young man?" The old lady says grasping her pearls. "You see ma'am," the cop said snatching up the hundred-dollar bill, "This is Reddit. After I read about you on the third repost, I knew I'd find you soon enough."
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey." So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael. Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone. "Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man? "Well," replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers." Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?" "Because," explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!" Thanks to my English teacher for telling my class this when we were 13.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
Stalin appears to Putin in a dream
He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue." Putin asks, "Why blue?" Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."
The CIA,The FBI and the KGB
The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don’t exist. The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest to the ground, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. That rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in last. They come out a few hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Called my friend.
I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you." Friend: "Ok shoot" Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?" Friend: "I dunno what?" Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up? Friend: I dunno what? Click
A Russian, an Ameican, and a British admiral…
…were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors. The Russian said “ I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up”. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says “ That gentleman is courage" The American says that's nothing.He calls over a PO and says “ I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return" The PO salutes jumps of the bow swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says “ That gentleman is courage" The British admiral says “ That's nothing. Sailor come here" The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says “You can fuck right off" The admiral turns to the other two and says “ And that gentleman is courage"
How do you get drunk from a glass of water?
Land in it when they're not looking
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
The best thieves steal from birthday parties.
They really take the cake.
What do you call the bad part of Italy?
The spaghetto.
A guy with a gun enters a bar.
"Who the fuck had sex with my wife? he snarled angrily A voice was hears in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
What do you call a one-armed karate man?
A partial artist!
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
I just finished a documentary about frogs
It was absolutely ribbiting
Why wouldn’t the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish.
My bald surgeon friend is the most charismatic guy I know.
He is a real smooth operator.
I threw my iPhone into a lake the other day and…
…it’s still syncing.
What type of bread can fly?
A plane bagel
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.