Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand.
(Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
How do you make any boat a hat?
You flip it over and it becomes capsized.
Anyone else remember this iconic moment?
Anyone else remember this iconic moment?
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of you will understand that
Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
People are so sensitive now-a-days.
People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
What do you call a time period when Lamborghini starts to produce electric cars only?
"Silence of the Lambs"
So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization…
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?
I can’t be the only one feeling like this for every new AI startup, right?
I can’t be the only one feeling like this for every new AI startup, right?
To the guy who stole my trainers and high-vis jacket…
…you can run but you can't hide!
What’s a narcoleptic’s favorite country?
Hibernation
[Original] The doctor prescribed a man a standing desk for back pain.
He told the man to stand at least 3 hours a day, which should reduce the symptoms – and to come back in a month. A month passes and the doctor is seeing the man again. He asks if the symptoms have improved. The man says, “No, but I’ve only been standing for one hour a day”. The doctor says he understood.
Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die!
Passengers: start freaking out Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when! Passengers: sigh with relief Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!
Daughter: “Dad, I’m cold.”
Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Study tip: Don’t drink water while studying
Because water decreases concentration.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I’d saved for the book I’m working on called ‘1,001 cures for itches.’
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
“Why are frogs so happy?”
"They just eat what bugs them."
My son joined a group of people that are sexually attracted to young horses.
I'm worried he may be in a colt
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
It’s always awkward
It’s always awkward
Butterflies
"This is my butterfly collection! We have a wide range. This is Fred- off there in the corner. The monarch. Beautiful pattern. We got him from the Toledo Zoo. But careful you don't startle him- he isn't the socialist of butterflies."
I’ve just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden and I’m thinking…
"Who's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.
The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer. Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!” The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.” So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “Wow! That tastes just like Coke!” “Yup, and now turn it around.” The customer turned the apple with his fingers and took a bite out of the other side. His eyes closed and squinted and after he swallowed he said “ Oof, man that tastes just like Jack, and it sure is strong too!” He took his apple with him to a seat further down the bar. A few minutes later another man walks in and asks for a cranberry vodka and Sprite. Once again the bartender reached behind the counter and gave his patron an apple, bright white and shiny, and the patron said “Hey, what gives? I asked you for a drink, not an apple!” The bartender said “Go a head and take a bite” So the customer took a bite and and his eyebrows shifted curiously “Huh, that tastes a lot like Sprite.” “Mmhm. Now turn it around” The patron did so, and took another bite, and when he did, he was blown away, leaning backwards and staring in amazement at the apple. “That tastes just like cranberry vodka! And it sure is boozy!” A few apples later, a third man walks into the bar. Before he can order, however, the previous two patrons exclaimed to him. “Dude, this place is amazing, the bartender can give you an apple that tastes like whatever you ask for!” Said the first man. The second chimed in “Yeah man, it’s incredible!” He held up his apple “I’m on my fifth cranberry vodka and Sprite!” The new man thinks about his order and says “Anything at all huh? Mr. bartender, I want an apple that tastes like pussy!” So the barkeep reached behind the counter and pulled out a big, pink apple that was almost shaped like a heart. The new customer enthusiastically took a big bite of the apple and after a few chews he violently shook his head in disgust, and spat the piece of apple on the the ground halfway across the bar. “EEEEUGh! That was absolutely disgusting, barkeep, that apple, it… it tasted… it tasted like ABSOLUTE ASS!” That’s when everyone in the bar shouted “TURN IT AROUND!”
You can’t run through a campsite
You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.
My wife said I should put the mask on if I’m leaving the house – and so I always do.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
Girls call me ugly till they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to a dinner party?
The cold shoulder.