Who hurt you, Wendy?
A man walks into the doctor’s office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
And then it clicked.
What’s the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish?
15 seconds, give or take.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He'll be born in April
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
My kids ask me why I always knock on the refrigerator door before I open it.
I say, "Because there may be a salad dressing."
Is the Viagra I’ve been sold fake?
As it stands, no.
Females are just males…
but with more iron.
How do you handle a redhead’s temper?
Gingerly.
A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness are lost..
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night. "I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me." "No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings." "I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-do! -Dad
My wife laughed when I said I had the body of a 20 year old
Then she looked in the freezer
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot. (I'll show myself out…)
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had. I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar…
A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face. "Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man. "That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man. "But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man. "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man. So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man. "Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man. "It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man. "What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man. "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
She couldn’t stay away from her granddaughter anymore. This was her solution.
https://ift.tt/2XXVpnO
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
A father catches his daughter having sex with a boy.
His daughter says: "Dad, I'm sorry." He replies: "Hi Sorry, I'm Dad." He then turns to the boy and asks: "What about you? Are you fucking sorry?"
What do you call a 45 Cents concert?
50 Cents featuring Nickel back
My future boss asked if i could perform under pressure.
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic." "Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest "No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent." "That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven." "Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?" "Of course, my son." "Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
Believing only 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth theist.
I didn’t vaccinate my five kids
and both of them turned out fine.
I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away…
I don’t even touch it
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said “Window or Aisle” ?
I replied "Window or you'll what ?"
My teacher never farts in public.
She’s a private tutor.