Who is the leader of the eco terrorists?
What’s the difference between an Indian and African Elephant?
One’s an elephant.
The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it’s time for a change
After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off they go! After a while the Pope ask the drive to pullover: – Young man, could you please drive along the smaller roads? I wanted to see more of the country, not the highway. – But your Holiness, this is the most efficient route. -Yes, but I don't want to take it. -Why not, your Holiness? – Like I said, because I … Oh just get out I'll drive. Now that he's driving himself and wherever he wants, the Pope is having a blast. The driver, who's now in the backseat, is somewhat disgruntled but resigns to his fate and enjoys the view. Near the Austrian border, road works lead the Pope back on the highway. And on this splendid highway, in this amazingly powerful car, the Pope starts to feel the need for speed. But that would be sinful. No no no he can't give in. At this moment, the driver pitches in 'Your Holiness, there are no speed limits on German highways'. Hearing this, the Pope unleashes his long dormant powers of a race pilot and floors it. The car almost leaps with enthusiasm that it can finally show what it can really do. As if by divine intervention all the cars in front of them give way and the car reaches its speed limit, just as it crosses the border with Austria. Within minutes the car is swarmed with police and first responders, tv helicopters are starting to circle. Seeing this Pandemonium, the Pope thinks that his free time has come to an end and pulls over. Several police officers hastily walk over to the driver’s door. The Pope lowers his window and looks up to them with a faint smile. Suddenly the police officers feel very much out of their depth and decide to call the Chief of Police: – Sir, a German car crossed the border at more than twice the speed limit and now we are not sure how to handle it. – What do you mean, you are not sure? Apprehend it! – Yes sir. We got the car sir. But it's seems to belong to someone very important. – Oh. Yes, that might complicate it. Is it a congressman? – No sir, much higher. – Higher? What did you apprehend Angela Merkel? -No, sir. We think still higher, sir. -Higher?! Bloody hell do you think it's God perhaps? – Well sir, the Pope is driving him. Edit: spelling
What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
‘You wanna pizza me?’
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
What do you call it when Batman skips church ?
Christian Bale
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
“Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Hatch.”
"Hatch who?" "Bless you!" Source: my 6yo at dinner tonight
what’s hilarious is that most people think we dont need to bring back the guillotine. ha.
https://ift.tt/2DqU4KM
Someone threw a can of coke at my head today….
Im ok though, it was a soft drink
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
Win10
Just got done with a company wide upgrade to Windows 10 and let me tell ya. Windows isn’t even compatible with Windows.
My rich friend hired a one-armed butler, and is now regretting it.
Serves him right.
My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.
Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.
What do you call a Werewolf YouTuber?
Lycansubscribe
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm…
And says "A beer please and one for the road."
How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you?
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
On her wedding day, the mother of the bride has a talk with her daughter.
"Sweetheart," says she, "your husband-to-be is a great catch. Handsome, kind, and rich. But he's Greek. And you need to know something about Greek men in the bedroom. There will come a day, maybe soon maybe not, but the time will come when, during intimacy, he'll ask you to "roll over." When that happens, don't say another word to him. Just come straight home to me." The daughter promises that she will do as her mother asks. But she's nervous about it. The wedding goes forward without a hitch, and so does the honeymoon. The couple gets on fabulously together, in the bedroom and out. When they get home, the marital bliss continues, and the young bride discovers that she has quite a sex drive. She initiates sex even more frequently than her husband. And the bride's mother's warning never becomes relevant. On the couple's first anniversary, they have a fantastic, romantic night out. And when they get home, the have sex for a solid three hours straight. After all that, the husband leans over and whispers in his wife's ear "honey, roll over for me." The woman bursts into hysterical tears. She jumps out of bed, and begins to pack her bags. "I'm going home to my mother," she wails. "Honey, what's wrong," her husband begs. "Let me fix it," he says. "My mother warned me about yiu on our wedding day! She told me that one day you would ask me to "roll over." "Of course, darling," the man replies. "But don't you ever want to have a baby???"
My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy
I just don't see it myself
“But they relate to my struggles!” screamed the temporarily embarrassed millionaire
https://ift.tt/2QFbJVP
I for one, like Roman numerals
No text found
My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.
He's a seasoned veteran.
FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail…
…it's about fucking time.
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
A kid asks his mom, “how was I born?”
The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born.
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
A farmer buys a young cock
A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one. When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I die" The young cock is desperate to sleep with all these hens, and respects the old chickens last wish, so he agrees. "I want you to fuck me like I am one of them, I've always been curious what it's like, but there's never been another cockerel around" The young rooster is a little put off, but agrees all the same, so he mounts him and starts going when suddenly there is a loud bang, and the young rooster drops dead The farmer puts down his shotgun and says "fuck sake, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day
[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?
She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
What do you call a pirate’s trash?
Yarrbage
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
So a vowel saves another vowel’s life.
The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”
I never say curse words
I swear
For anyone attending Stan Lee’s funeral…
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!