Who knew an 18-year entanglement in a place nicknamed “the graveyard of empires” would be so complicated?
I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and have been using newspaper since…
And man, the Times are tough!!!
My wife says she can usually tell when our baby is pooping because he’s laughing so much.
I guess he just has a self defecating sense of humor.
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
I’m not sure what shocked my mailman more
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
A lady died and went to heaven, upon seeing God she says “there is one this I always wanted to know. “
“Ok, ask away” God said. “Do vaccines cause autism?” She asked. “the truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism” God admitted. The women shakes her head and says “They got to you too, this thing really goes high up.”
Tripped over a dead body. Drew a chalk circle around it.
Did my part for contact tracing.
Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar
Gimli laughs and walks under it
Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
You know what happens every time I tell Dad Jokes?
He usually laughs.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk…
And the result was staggering.
How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.
Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.
When I buy my wife something made of gold,
she always gazes at me in Au.
Because I’m British I can say that I smoked a fag and it wouldn’t be offensive
Regardless, I'm told his family cried heaps at the funeral.
I’ve got a memory of an elephant.
I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapse
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X
I don’t know why
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop eating Pasta
Now I'm feeling cannelloni
Why are dogs afraid to go to space?
Because of the vacuum
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They push twins together to make a king.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
Where does a fish keep his money?
In the riverbank
Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay"? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."
They fired me from the calendar factory
I don't know why. I just took a few days off.
NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents
They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Mom: That's it's trunk. Boy: No, further back. Mom: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along. The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad. Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Dad: That's its trunk. Boy: No, further back. Dad: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Dad: That's its penis. Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing. Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that your mom is a little spoiled.
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
One day an engineer was crossing a road when
a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer replied, "Hey, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."