Who led the Jewish people through a semi permeable membrane?
Os-Moses.
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN…
You make them VERY ANGRY.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
If you were anti-pencil, would you be eracist?
No text found
Why should you NEVER ask Rick Ashley for his complete collection of Pixar movies?
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
Windows 10 updates be like…
Microsoft: We’ve teamed up with vendors to make our security so good, that no one will ever be able to enter your system again.User: But, how do I get in?Microsoft: WE DON’T KNOW! THAT’S HOW GOOD IT IS!
A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
Finding the loot
Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – to act as a translator. “Tell Jose that he must tell us where he has hidden the loot from the bank robbery.” “The gringos say to ask where you have hidden the loot.” “Tell the gringos I will never tell them.” “Jose says he will never tell you.” The Rangers pull out their six-guns, cock them, and point them at Jose. “Tell Jose if he does not tell us where he has hidden the loot, we will kill him.” “The gringos say if you do not tell them where you have hidden the loot they will kill you.” Jose begins to tremble with fear. “I buried it by the old oak tree on the other side of the bridge.” “Jose says he is not afraid to die.”
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
My mom turned 45 last week. So during an argument, I would tell her
"Well, you're half right."
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?
Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
What is Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It’s fucking r/aww
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus!
My friend’s girlfriend dumped him and is telling everyone he has a small penis.
He claims he wasn’t that much into her anyways.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack….
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
A native American shaman had an apprentice
One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer." The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?" The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full." The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and the next day the shaman left on his long trip. But the apprentice turned out to be a terrible shaman. Within a week, the chief could not take it anymore, and left to search for the old shaman. He found him and begged, "Please come back to tribe." The shaman asked, "Why should I come back?" The chief tried bribery. "If you come back, I feed you belly full." The shaman agreed, so they both went back, and the chief gave the shaman a big meal. When the apprentice saw his mentor had returned, he asked, "Why back so soon?" The old shaman explained, "Full me once, shaman you. Full me twice, shaman me."
why did the can-crusher quit it’s job?
because it was soda-pressing!
Daughter: “Dad, I’m cold.”
Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.
Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet. After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the father is sitting in the seat next to him. Finally he can’t hold it in anymore and a loud fart erupts in the room. The father looks over and sternly says, “Max!” The young man realizes the father thinks it was the dog who farted. Delighted, he feels another fart coming on. This time he lets it out and again the audible sound fills the room. “Max!” Shouts the father this time. The young man can’t be happier, he’s farting as much as he needs and the father thinks it’s their dog. Eventually he feels a third fart coming on. Without flinching the young man passes his gas again. “Max! Shouts the father. “Get over here before that boy shits all over you!”
The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.
Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar." The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?" The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license" The woman: " don't listen to him. When he is drunk he says stupid things!" The man on the backseat: "I told you not to ride in a stolen car!" A voice from the trunk: "did we cross the border?"
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a rude awakening.
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasn’t come out yet!
Why did the submarine captain keep a barrel of potatoes in his room?
There was nothing in the world he loved more than eyes.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape
Breathe idiot, breathe!
What has 15 eyes, 15 hands, and 15 feet?
15 pirates.