Who needs enemies when you got family
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
Why don’t dinosaurs talk ?
Because they're dead
So many people these days are too judgemental
I can tell just by looking at them
My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house.
I texted her, “Oh pun the door!”
What keeps ants from getting coronavirus?
It's their little anty bodies.
I felt this in my soul.
This is our president
Somebody share this on r/conservative
This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.
When the product manager has a request
When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
Jesus for president?
More or less.
Holiday Conversation Starters For The Bored And The Brave.
Observing student-facilitated genetics presentations, this has been my experience:
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
That moment when the right no longer cares about you…
Why are the stakes so high?
Because the cows ate a lot of grass.
Coz feelings are bad
Java process eating up all of my cpu… wait a minute
Good guy NK
Harry Potter + Science
“I have bestest brains!”
The director of Pulp Fiction…
I have a pen that can write underwater!!
It can write other words too.
How are people choosing Biden?
This dumb but a good pun
The real plague.
How do crazy people get through the woods?
They take the psycho path.
Think of the consequences
I flagged a gangbang video on Pornhub for racist content.
Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.
Lmao astrology is BAD
Chad boomers vs the virgin millenials
Never have someone tried to negotiate the rent with me until today
Give me Palm….or not?!
Cards Against Humanity hit a little too close to home, last night.
Big brain time
3 dogs walk into a bar ..
The first dog, a big dog, walks to the bar and asks for 3 frothy beers. The barman is stunned and exclaims "What!? A talking dog! I can't believe it!" The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Huey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat. 15 minutes later the second dog, an even bigger dog, approaches the bar and orders 3 frothy beers. "You're kidding me! Another talking dog!?". The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Duey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat. 15 minutes later the third dog approaches the bar. The barman excitedly asks "Let me guess, your name is Luey and you do regular dog things too?" "No." the dog replied, "My name is Socks and I've had a terrible day .. just get the fucking beers."
No more tickets
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York
And says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough". "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each other, and I am sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her." He hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're not going to divorce!" she shouts. "I'II take care of this". She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother and we'll both be there tomorrow morning. Until then don't do anything. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. The old man hangs up the phone and turn to his wife. "Okay," he says, "this year they are coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own way.”
I’ve opened up a restaurant called “Karma”
There is no menu, you get what you deserve.
Sorry little one
It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone
A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says “What’ll it be today?” The bear says “give me a gin and…………………….tonic” The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?” The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “
It’s worth a shot
Chrome on its own is almost enough lol
How do you get a country girl’s attention?
Bet ya don’t know this
Humor. Of the boomer.
Tries to restore from previous version
What’s the difference between golf and skydiving?
One goes WHACK! then “uh oh” and the other goes “uh oh” then WHACK!
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
You’ll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke…
They consider cows to be sacred.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
i pushed code without testing
How do you start a holy fire?
With a match made in Heaven.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
Why don’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our ratings. One star.
Hobbies bad, porn in living room good.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
FORTRAN, SASL, MATLAB, Julia, Mathematica, Smalltalk, Lua , Erlang, APL
Throwback to the last time I won in anything
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says “uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.