WHO really let them out!
21st century: your vacuum cleaner makes no noise, your AC makes no noise, your washing machine makes no noise, your electric car makes no noise…
The city's street cleaning wagon is as noisy as Apollo 11 taking off
Provided by my own mother (I left the page in on purpose, I feel like it sells it)
https://ift.tt/2VPRgkJ
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Paddy O'Furniture
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner…
…you become a vacuum cleaner. And furthermore, true house cleaners aren't just born, they're maid.
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.” The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?” Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
We need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it
The current version has a nasty virus
What did Delaware?
Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.
Narnia was a really progressive film
Most of the main characters came out of the closet
A wife takes her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
Wookiee mistake.
How do you murder mass?
You killagram
Trumpets and Gun
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?""What do you mean strange?""Because you sell only trumpets and guns!""So?""Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?""It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
What are you drinking there?
I dunno water you drinking?
[At the museum] My wife: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colors?
It had a reptile dysfunction.
An owl babysat my son so I could go to the hoedown.
It was a hootin' nanny.
I tried using “chicken” as a password but my PC said it must contain a capital
New password is “chickenkiev”
I took my mom to the computer hardware repair store.
It didn't take much time to make my mother bored.
“Dad, what are condoms for?”
“Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
The creator of Star Trek was renowned for emptying his bowels in obscure places.
He would boldly go where no man had gone before.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Parents: Arson? Principal: Yes, your son.
A lion will not cheat on his wife,
But a Tiger Wood!
Why was the cheese deformed?
Because it was inbred.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I wasn't putting on enough shifts
I said to my wife “When I die,” I’d like to die having sex”
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
