WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS?? :(
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
Genie: you have three wishes
me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?
A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.
Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?
My wife didn’t think I would name our baby daughter something ridiculous.
But I called her Bluff.
I wish I was a lost redditor
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all countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat
cats π scat π
cats π scat π
My friend charges Β£20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
A man with a dog walks into a bar.
He walks over to his seat and says, "I can bet $100 to each of you that my dog can talk!" Everybody agrees to the bet. The guy says, "Spot, speak!" The dog is silent. "Spot, speak," the guy repeats. The dog still doesn't react. Fuming, the guy begrudgingly pays each of the bettors the agreed upon sum and leaves the bar. Outside, the guy says to the dog, "You set me up, you stupid mutt! Do you even know how much cash I lost because of you?" "Nonsense," says his dog. "Just imagine how much money we'll raise tomorrow from these suckers!"
Three samurais compete with each other
Three samurais are sitting around a camp fire when suddenly, one boasts. "I am the world's best swordsman!" – he stands up, whips out his sword and cut a fly in half. The second samurai says,"No, I'm the best." and he sees a fly -his sword flashes twice- then the fly falls into 4 pieces. The third samurai, wanting to prove them both wrong says "Hold my sake.". He stands, slashes at a fly… and the fly continued flying. The first two samurais erupted into laughter – but the third explains "That poor fly, he can never have sex again!"
Did you hear about the lumberjack’s first day on the job?
He got the axe after making a cutting remark about some dead wood.
I wasn’t sure if this belonged here, r/im14andthisisdeep, or r/forwardsfromgrandma
https://ift.tt/33rtjjN
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
[NSFW] I was eating my girlfriend out when
she fell onto the floor. She popped right back up on the bed and yelled, "FIVE SECOND RULE!"
Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.
It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.
βWell just tell your mother we ate it allβ¦β – Jimβs Dad
βWell just tell your mother we ate it allβ¦β – Jimβs Dad
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
Then they call me Ugly and Poor
How can you tell an ant’s gender?
Simple, put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. βYou know what, I think itβs time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, Iβll swear first, then youβ says the 7 year old. βOKβ says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. βIβll have Frosties, bitchβ
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! βAnd what do you want?β He says βDonβt know, but it wonβt be fucking Frostiesβ
Apparently you cant use “beefstew” as a password
I must not be strogonough (strong enough)
My daughter had asked me what a Steakhouse was ..
My response was "Of course, it's a house made of steaks. Except the floor of course. That's made of ground beef." Heard the wife's eyes roll from across the room.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
A weekly newsletter of unhinged email chains sourced from thousands of real boomers
https://boomer.email
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet
You got any corny jokes?
I'm all ears
I just rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says itβll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I may be able to save you 10 grand."
What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
Insta and YT decided to copy TikTok and exploit ppls short attention spans π
Insta and YT decided to copy TikTok and exploit ppls short attention spans π
At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''… "I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.
Why is it called the Dark Age?
Because of all the Knights.