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My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop eating Pasta
Now I'm feeling cannelloni
Aussie Helpline
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here …What's the problem,cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up." "Bummer, mate..!" "Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
A guide on how to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12
all countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat
What do you call a dad joke when it gets old?
A grandpa joke
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
I had a pet newt once, I called him Tiny
Because he was my newt
My sex life is like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms, no dates.
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.
Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.
Advice for a broken arm
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
I’m voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I’m still not sure which one to pick.
Can’t believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick
How low can ya go
My friend told me I have no idea what irony is
Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
What do you call a group of mountains?
Hilarious.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews……………. only one star.
Iron Man is technically a FEmale.
I will down vote myself on the way out….
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
What do you call a fat psychic
Four-chin teller
Three Russian men are sitting together in a train headed to the Gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.
Dad…I have an imaginary girlfriend
His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?” “Thanks dad. That means a lot.” “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”
I once bought shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day
A man named Ranger
A man named Ranger was going out to a bar to have a few drinks. His roommates told him not to drive if he got too drunk. Ranger asked his roommates how he was supposed to get home. “Walk or text us Ranger.”
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships?
So they can Scandinavian
How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?
One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.
Made brownies….
https://i.imgur.com/4NBo8Yg.jpg
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
Win10
Just got done with a company wide upgrade to Windows 10 and let me tell ya. Windows isn’t even compatible with Windows.
What do you call bears with no teeth?
Gummy bears.
Officer: Where did the hacker escape to?
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.