Who wants a sand witch?
Why did the transgender person disappear after they gave birth?
They became transparent.
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only…
…would they have to change their name to Knockers?
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.
At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears…
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Did you hear about the successful cows?
They were out standing in their field
When people began using the alphabet, they only used 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
He was delighted.
I have a fetish for the final paragraph of an essay.
I just came to that conclusion.
What does Batman like in his drink?
Just ice.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
How are condoms and poop bags alike?
If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.
A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
Nurse: “My phone just died.”
Doctor: “Let’s call it.”
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects “fuck” to “duck.”
You're still using fowl language.
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch.
Taking things literally
is stealing.
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away…
…a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
[NSFW] I told ya mom!
911, what's your emergency? "I'm masturbating too much" Sir, that's not really a problem. "One sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE!
They should make a film series about a guy who uses candles as weapons.
Call it John Wick.
Gucci should open up a children’s store
And call it “Gucci Gucci Goo”
How do you learn how to talk to a lady?
Ask your mother
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso
Been a dad 5 mo, so I’m a little new to this… Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad. Wife: What are you thinking? Me: Business casual.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Yo mama so ugly…
she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!
I’ve been shrunken down to the size of a data cell and shoved into an iPod.
It would appear I'm in a bit of a jam.
My wife asked me if I want a handjob or regular sex
I : handjob definitely . She(surprised) : why is that? I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush
Today was terrible.
My ex got hit with a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Catholic parrots.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. "I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!" "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."