Who wants to bet tRump will unveil his own portrait before he leaves office…
He hates it when I say his name backwards
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
Normally i don’t go because I’m poor
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ….And she's always sound asleep."
Between you and me, something smells.
Apparently transparency is very important to them. (I'll let myself out…)
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.
But don’t forget, only 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day.
Trust me, the difference is apparent.
So I told her she's pretty enough.
Dead ant, dead ant. Deadant deadant deadant, dead ant, DEAD AAAANT. Deadant.
Great food, no atmosphere.
..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldnt you answer that guy’s question?” The clerk answers, “D-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get m-m-m-m-m-y ass k-k-k-icked?!!”
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
I am not poking fun at anyone for being lower income, you can tell by the picture it’s a nice home. But in my search for a home I found this house and their master “bathroom” really sold me.https://imgur.com/j1345OnPlease post all potty IT jokes
Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
Mostly because his name is Steve
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus.
I just couldn’t concentrate.
Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers.
5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old
To beat the crowds.
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
I was fired immediately