Who wants to bet tRump will unveil his own portrait before he leaves office…
I have a friend named Bob
He hates it when I say his name backwards
Short and sweet cannibal joke
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
This is my first year not going to Fiji because of Covid-19
Normally i don’t go because I’m poor
How bout a blowjob?
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ….And she's always sound asleep."
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
I got fired from my job at the glass factory for failing to declare my expenses.
Apparently transparency is very important to them. (I'll let myself out…)
I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said “Remove cap and push up bottom”
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.
Is slaying cheeks worth the risk in the pandemic
https://youtu.be/J3bVYE2B-2s
I know a lot of you are sad because it’s a Monday.
But don’t forget, only 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day.
How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?
Trust me, the difference is apparent.
My wife said I don’t tell her she’s pretty enough.
So I told her she's pretty enough.
What did pink panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant. Deadant deadant deadant, dead ant, DEAD AAAANT. Deadant.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store…
..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldnt you answer that guy’s question?” The clerk answers, “D-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get m-m-m-m-m-y ass k-k-k-icked?!!”
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
4 Bedroom, “2” bathrooms – Perfect New Home for a Systems Admin
I am not poking fun at anyone for being lower income, you can tell by the picture it’s a nice home. But in my search for a home I found this house and their master “bathroom” really sold me.https://imgur.com/j1345OnPlease post all potty IT jokes
What’s the smartest mountain in the world?
Mt. Cleverest.
Police officer: “I’m here to inform you that your son burned down the school”
Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.
I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."
#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus.
I got fired from the frozen orange juice factory today.
I just couldn’t concentrate.
In college, I double-majored in accounting and dentistry…
Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers.
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won?
5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old
Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?
To beat the crowds.
I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
I pretend to be gay in order to gain the trust of women I like.
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I got a job as a bullet
I was fired immediately
