Who watches the watchers?
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things. The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?" The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!" The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender." So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender. "Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says. "I do." The bartender gurgles back. "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks. "Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!" The astronaut is on the edge of his seat… "The reason it's called the Keyboard is because… it's a space bar."
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
I have a good Tupperware joke
but the punchline doesn't fit, its from another Tupperware joke
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”
One morning at a doctor’s clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him: "Tell me what happened to your back…?" The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. It was very heavy… That is how I strained my back.!" Later that day, a second patient arrives as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said: "My previous patient looked bad.. But you look terrible.. What the hell happened to you ?" He replied: "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job… I forgot to set my alarm and I was late… I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time. And you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge. I don't know how and where from this fridge fell on me…!!!" Before closing hours, the third patient comes. He looks like he was punished in hell. The doctor is shocked. He asks: "What the hell happened to you..??" The patient replies: "Well, It started like this, I was in a fridge………."
Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn’t been allowed to yell “Get down!” when he is under attack…
Instead they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Terrorist: “Say your last words!”
Terrorist: "Say your last words!" Dad: "Your last words!" Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!" Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?" Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?" Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway." Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"? Dad: "About a pound and a half." Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!" Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
Fibonacci is my personal trainer.
Thanks to him I did 89 push ups in 10 seconds.
A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
A man gets pulled over by the police…
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
Damn girl are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.
Did you hear about the guy who ate bananas whole?
He didn’t peel too well
Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
What’s the difference between Al Capone and Anakin Skywalker driving an Uber
One's a tax evader, the other is a taxi Vader
Imm so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree is not my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
Many people say that a pirate’s favourite letter is R but…
It’s actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
After a date
Her: We should have dinner again. Him: No, I'm full.
How literally every discussion between frontend and backend web devs looks like
https://ift.tt/2siOYhJ
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:
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r/pornvids r/nsfw_videos Meet People r/dirtysnapchat Other NSFW r/randomactsofblowjob r/NSFWFunny r/pornhubcomments r/confusedboners r/dirtykikpals r/nsfw_wtf r/randomactsofmuffdive r/stupidslutsclub r/sluttyconfessions r/sextrophies Armpits cause people like that r/armpits r/celebrityarmpits r/armpitfetish I don’t even know where the fuck this would go section r/dragonsfuckingcars r/SCPORN r/fedlegs r/cummingonfigurines r/dragonbutts r/dragonpussy r/dragonpenis These have gotten boring 😔 Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They’re absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then…"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."