who whore it better
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, “Give it to me straight doc!”
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."
My son took some exams to become a pirate
He kept getting high C's
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
A naked woman robbed a bank
Nobody could remember her face
A man walks into a saloon
…he takes off his hat and throws it in an arc. Six men lose their hats. Everyone is impressed, they yell out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Hat-Bill." Another man walks in, grabs his gun and fires off six rounds. Six men lose their hats. The crowd yells out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Gun-Bill." A third man walks in. He has six arms. In a flash, he grabs the hats off the heads of six men. Everyone is speechless. Finally, one guy yells: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me… …Chernobyl."
What do you call a flirty philosoper?
A Socra-tease
What’s the warmest part of a room?
The corners. They’re 90 degrees.
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
Why do trees look a little suspicious on sunny days?
They seem a bit shady.
My last relationship, which was with a cross eyed girl ended.
Because she kept seeing someone else on the side
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because they get to switch sides halfway through.
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started counting, “Uno, Dos…”
But then he disappeared without a Tres….
A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands… "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
What do you call an old, Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
My wife tried to embarrass me in front of her friends….
She said I wasn't any good in bed. She was shocked when they all disagreed with her!
A Famous Spanish Magician takes the stage for his world famous disappearing act…
He quiets the audience by raising his hand and then begins to speak… "Uno…" "Dos…" And then he vanished without a Tres.
What site do you use to get captions like this? (The text above the image)
What site do you use to get captions like this? (The text above the image)
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning. I was starting to get really pissed off, and then I realized why…
I left my phone in Airplane mode
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.
I’m really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
If a person overdoeses on Viagra
Do they die hard?
What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
I’m a cashew
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
A rope walks into a saloon
Before he can even order a drink the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind 'round here" and throws him out. The rope goes around the corner into an alley, takes out a knife, slices up one of his ends, and wraps himself up like a pretzel. Then he waddles back into the saloon and orders a drink. The bartender stops and looks at him closely then says, "Aren't you that piece of rope I just threw out of here?" The piece of rope puts on his toughest face and in his deepest voice he answers, "Nope. Frayed Knot."
Becoming White
A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his belt and beats him with it. Finally, he goes to his grandma and says “Grandma, I’m a white boy now!” and she slaps him across the face and asks the boy “How does it feel to be white now?” He responds by saying “I’ve been white for 5 minutes and I already hate black people.”
What is muffins spelled backwards?
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.