Who would have thought
A tad dark for this subreddit, but alas. Why is gun control even a partisan issue anymore?
https://ift.tt/2sVtveZ
Dad: Son did you know you were named after Benjamin Franklin?
Son: But Dad my name is Scott. How could I be named after him? Dad: He was named in 1706.
What is round and angry?
A vicious circle.
An old Jew on his deathbed
A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here." He then says: "Are my children — my wonderful children — are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here … why is the light on in the kitchen?"
Success is like pregnancy.
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
Obama: “we continue to wait for a coherent national plan to navigate this pandemic”
https://ift.tt/2VzdwyN
Kid: What’re you eating, dad? Dad: Well, let’s see… whole grains, mashed fruit and bean paste. Kid: Ewwwwwww!
Dad: What’s wrong? I thought you loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!
Last year i was depressed and miserable,
But this year I've turned it around, I'm miserable and depressed
What are terminators called when they retire?
Exterminators
Four men are stranded with nothing but cigarettes on a boat with no way to light them
So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife…
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
he won the no-bell prize!
My wife thought I wouldn’t be stupid enough to give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
If you ever find yourself at -273.15 Celsius,
just remember that you will still be 0K.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
How many people are dead in that graveyard?
All of ‘em, I hope!
I used to think toking weed and snorting lines of coke made me a cool guy
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because they'd be called bagels if they flew over the bay…
My neighbours listen to great music
Whether they like it or not
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy
At least that’s what her diary said
Whoever stole my antidepressants
I hope you're happy now
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
I met a strange man the other day really trying to sell me the health benefits of inhaling helium.
He spoke very highly off it.
Parent Teacher conference
A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." The father asks, "What happened?" "Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'" "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet," the dad replies. The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?" "They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked. "That's what I said" the boy replies.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
There is a nudist club meeting on next Saturday.
I might go if I have nothing on.
Orion’s Belt is a huge waist of space.
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What is Yoda’s preferred seat on an aeroplane?
Next to a Windu.