Who would win?
Why did the writer have his desk next to the window?
He liked to feel the draft coming in.
I told the doctor at the ER that I could do my own stitch work.
He replied “Okay, suture self”
I’m sure Trump will explain everything to Lindsey and it’ll all be fine in a couple days.
https://ift.tt/2IGWeZw
Imagine if we Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night.
There would be mass confusion.
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“If organ trafficking is illegal….”
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad
I just bought a new blindfold
But I can't see myself wearing it
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
Kobe Bryant’s death was an important and historic occasion.
It marked the first time he's passed in years.
A 3 year old boy examined his testicles in bath
“Mom” He asked “ Are these my brains” “Not yet” She replied
Why do stadiums get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
It’s been 4 years since my last job interview
I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else
If a bisexual isn’t dating anyone…
…does that mean they're on standbi?
A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me…
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I couldn’t join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn’t pure enough
Turns out, my parents weren't even related.
Just want to let you know You all matter
Unless you multiply yourself by the spped of light squared then you Energy
Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?
Never mind, you won’t get it.
One time I bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Where does a poor italian live?
In Spaghetto
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
I’ve got a hen who can count her own eggs…
She’s a mathamachicken…
Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman…
He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought “She’s probably dreaming about me.” He said, “You know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. Wonder Woman says “What the hell was that?” And then the Invisible Man says “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.
Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"
Why couldn’t the Mexican archer use his bow?
He didn’t habanero.
Why did an old man fall into a well?
Because he couldn't see that well
My last girlfriend left me because of my obsession with touching pasta.
Feeling cannelloni right now.
