Whoa Black Betty
How often do people die in hospitals?
Just once.
What do drugs have in common with cheese jokes?
I don't know, I just like meth and feta memes.
Atheism,
It’s a non-prophet organization.
The best joke I can think of is quarantine.
If you don't get it, it's because it's an inside joke.
Why couldn’t the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married
My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
An Irishman’s first drink with his son
I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink. We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away. I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it. I ordered him a Smithwick's. He hated it, so I drank it. I bought him a Murphy's, he spit it out, so I drank it. I tried him with that bland American beer Coors, he barely took a sip and pushed it away, so I drank it. I figured maybe he would like Irish Whiskey instead, so I got him a shot of Jameson 18 year. He choked on it, so yeah, I drank that too. I had him try Redbreast 12 year, the year's Irish Whiskey Awards top whiskey. He turned away, wouldn't even smell it. What else could I do – I drank it! When I finally realized he just doesn't like alcohol, I was so shit-faced I could barely push his stroller home!
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by floating it in water?
If it floats it's boy ant
Today I had my appointment with my psychiatrist
He thinks that I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
You know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision?
Off wienerskin!
What is the motto of people who harvest organs?
We de-liver
I have an irrational fear of overly engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex.
Pulled on a door that required a push,
should have handled that better.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
Guys, to be Frank…
…. I would have to change my name.
“Mom? What’s dark humor?”
“Well son…you see that man with no arms sitting over there? Tell him to clap.” “Mom! I’m blind.” “Exactly.”
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to “Please be gentle; I’m still a Virgin”.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband no. 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband no. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband no. 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. "Husband no. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. "Husband no. 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. "Husband no. 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. "Husband no. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it… "Husband no. 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. "Husband no. 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. "Husband no. 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it….. God I miss him. "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? "You're with the "GOVERNMENT" – this time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found on the first page of a google search using keywords and it isn’t a quick edit of an existing template, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall…
I thought “hmm, that’s a little condescending l”
It’s only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.