Whoever did this is a freaking genius!
At least that’s the word on the street.
An ARRRgument with his wife
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!
I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark…
You'll have to Walkman.
I can't tell you how upset I am!
The rabbit says, "I'm a type O."
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
On the other hand, I’m ok
I think her name was um.. Reese.. Reese…. “Reese Witherspoon?” No, with a knife.
she always gazes at me in Au.
They turnip the beets
She laughed at me, and said "Oh dad you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
The former is a ladder, while the latter is a former.
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity.
Before our hike, my wife offered my sister-in-law some fruit. She said "no thanks, I had a pear on the way here." Without skipping a beat, I said "you mean you came pre-peared?"
There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one. First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours." Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour." "And the devil?" The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
It's a cover version.
His name was James Pond
I wonder what she is up to now.
No, seriously, it is.
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.