Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello.
Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
I like to call my weed “the Quran”
Because burning it will get you stoned.
I just bought a dry-erase board
It’s remarkable!
What do cannibals drink in the morning?
A cup of Joe.
Peter and a genie walk into a bar
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Peter answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.”
Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders?
Because they can’t have mussels.
I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right. On the right side, there is nothing left.
Ever heard of the group of religious cannibals?
In Sundays they eat fishermen.
I just got a new job at a prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
Why are cows bad at dancing?
They lactose.
If I won $300,000, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $299,999.75 though.
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
What’s a web developer’s favourite tea?
URL Grey.
I ate a watch once…
It was so time consuming.
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. There was dead silence… the rest of the year went quite smoothly.
I skipped the gym today.
The elevator in my building wasn't working.
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee
I just formed a grunge band and named it “1023 Megabytes”
… haven't gotten a gig yet though.
A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin
Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone. A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s loading the penguin up. “Just what do you think you’re doing with that penguin?” The officer demands “I haven’t a clue what to do with him I just saw him on the side of the road and figured I’d pick him up” The man replied “Well I suggest you take him straight to the zoo!” The officer suggested. So the man agrees and takes off heading toward the zoo. The next day the officer is at his post when he sees the same guy in the same car driving by with the same penguin. He immediately hits the flashers and pulls the man over. “Hey pal I thought I made it clear yesterday to take this penguin straight to the zoo!” The officer stated “Yeah we did that yesterday, today I’m taking him to the ball game”
A guy walks into a bar…
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?
He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
“Can you make me breakfast in bed?” asked the wife.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
I just noticed…….
I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery. Had them tested and one came back positive. Hope it's not terminal.
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich." Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
I was fired from the keyboard factory today
I wasn't putting in enough shifts
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it.
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.