Whoever made these puns deserves to be dePORTed
My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now… Too many fuckin' security cameras.
I strained my voice.
They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces. The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining." Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minutes until they see the local Communist officer, Comrade Rudolph, walk past. The husband says to his wife, "Look, dear, there's Comrade Rudolph, our local Communist officer. He always knows the truth. We''l ask him!" With that, the husband shouts, "Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or is it snowing?" Comrade Rudolph looks to the sky and says, "Raining," the continues on. The wife looks at her husband and says, "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Just to let her know I was thinking of her.
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
it’s the women that make it hard
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Aww….! Are you single? Woman: No, I am a Dentist.
But they've got miles to go.
But he came unarmed :/
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties The first man had married an Indian girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a Chinese girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Italian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
Without looking really dumb.
I think the paper is jamming.
…I’m one of them.
I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock.
A private tutor.
A receding hare-line!
"Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon"
-Hello, My name is Mia! -Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die? -Well… I froze to death. -Oh my.. what a terrible way to die! -Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die? -I had a heart attack. I thought that my husband cheating on me, so I left work early to catch him red-handed. Then I saw him just watching television. -What happened after? -I was certain that there was an another woman in the house. So I furiously started to search the whole house. Under the bed, the roof, closets but I couldn't. I was too tired of searching, I just had an heart attack. (Mia starts to laugh) -What's so funny? -Oh dear.. if you checked the fridge we both would be still alive!
I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.
My thoughts are with his family!
The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury. Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.
One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam! He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot! Coach said to himself, “I got to have this guy. He’s got the best arm I’ve ever seen!” He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl. The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom. “Mother,” he yells over the phone, “We just won the Super Bowl!” “Don’t talk to me,” the woman says. “You abandoned us. You can’t be my son.” The young Iraqi begs, “Mom, you don’t understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!” “I don’t care,” his mother snaps. “Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped.” Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family. The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
But some people eat that shit up.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him. "What did you do that for?" he asks. "Curfew violation," the other guard says. "Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!" "I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it."
He was blown apart.
Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.
…You never know when you might need a nail.
It was bread in captivity.
True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked “how do you feel?” Without hesitation he replied “with my fingers” and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled “good one!”
"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer" ………………. I think the little bastard found my porn stash.
The steaks have never been higher
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"