Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down…
You have my Word.
Did you hear about the transgender vegan?
He was a herbefor
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome…
I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.
A Canadian..
Can't.
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate
They'll kill your dog
A lamb, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.
Ba dum tss
Here’s a joke about my browser history:
[deleted]
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis Edit: some of us don't spend our lives on r/jokes and as such don't realise things are reposts.
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
A magician stops a woman on a street….
“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random. “Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.” She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone. She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her first child. Fast forward 9 months. “Push, PUSH” the midwife and doctors urged. “You’re almost there!” “The baby! She’s crowning!” “But… what’s that in her HAND???” “It… it looks like…” “Is THIS your card?” a familiar voice said.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure.
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
I remember the cop and acorn one that was quite random actually
I remember the cop and acorn one that was quite random actually
My boss the cannibal told me that eating people was company policy…
I found it a little hard to swallow.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
… because Dawn is tough on Greece.
I asked little Johnny why he started doing so well in math after we sent him to the Christian school.
He said he didn't want to end up like the guy they nailed to the plus sign.
Bartender job description
Basically you’re a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes away. A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike–Mike." "Who is it ?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike–it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams !" "So, what's the bad news ?" "You're in the team for this Saturday's match !!!"
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
My wife accused me of being immature…
I told her to get out of my fort.
I was a soap addict.
But now I'm clean.
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy ?
Add Spring Water
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
If a blind girl says you have a big penis
She's probably pulling your leg
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?” The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!” Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly… WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
What does a pear tree do before growing it’s fruit?
It pre-pears
Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?
Because she was thicc