Turns out she was seeing someone else.
In other words, his manufacturer's warranty is up.
Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom…
From a cattle log.
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
One looks at the family tree and the other examines the family bush.
Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.” “Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.” Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced ,“You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.” “It's nothing,” said the father. “We're glad you were able to come.” Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello! Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss was sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything.” After they finished dessert, the father said, “There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.” The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we're bastards?” “Yep,” said the father, “and cheap ones too.”
It was a little pail…… 😁
“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.” So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm. “Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out
And then they call me ugly and poor.
After he just bought 12 bees, the pet owner gave him 13 bees. The man asked the pet owner why he was given an extra bee. The pet owner answered,”The last one’s a free bee.”
I stopped seeing her for a while.
Because they can’t keep a straight face.
If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
We haven't got a gig yet.
But they're good for a light snack.
I like to sit in my own pew. Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.
I havent seen him since 2005
But I didn't have to go because Iran
A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age” The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times. “Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!” The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun… A moment later the elephant farts and stomps twice… “Bajaysus that’s right” said the father, “I am farty two!”
But her aim is getting better
Constipation is when your body does not give a shit. Diarrhea is when your body cannot get it's shit together.
Because six, seven eight.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
Keanu is breathtaking, the other one is breadtaking.
He told me a Knock Knock joke, and I refused to answer.