Wholesome boomer
What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?
One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.
I don’t understand why people celebrate pi day
It’s irrational.
The garbage man looks sad.
Yeah, he's wheelie bin depressed.
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.”
Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?” She retorted, “Those, they gave away.” Not to be outdone, I said, “I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.” She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, “That's where they held the auction.”
What starts with a “W” and ends with “hat”…
No text found
I asked my boss, “Can I have a week off around Christmas?” He growled, “It’s May!”
I countered, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?”
There was an explosion at a French cheese factory
De brie everywhere.
Ace your next code interview and flex on your coworkers with this one simple trick!
https://ift.tt/32RuVTD
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
I wasn’t sure if I should post this here, because it’s only funny under certain circumstances
certain circumstances funny
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
Mod Applications
We’ve been talking about mod apps for years now, but it’s never actually materialized.Well, here’s the Google FormAfter a week or so we will look through all of the responses and stalk profiles do research and see who the best candidates are.
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her ”throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
Sign on the espresso machine said, “Coffeemaker not hot.”
So I wrote, "But has a great personality."
I got a bad thesaurus.
It was bad.
Why was the forest so noisy?
The tree’s bark.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely…
…if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once…
… I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick…
How low can you go?
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Why can’t chickens tell time properly?
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
I bought two left hand gloves
On one hand it feels great, on the other hand, not so much
Hey, is your refrigerator running?
Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
Trumpets and Guns
n a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
What happened to the frog’s car when it broke down?
It got toad.
I went on a tea marathon last night.
After 5 chamomiles, I was exhausted.
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office
I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.