Wholesome boomer.
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
3.14% of sailors are…
π-rates.
Life is like a penis,
it’s the women that make it hard
My Grandma is 96 years old and she still doesn’t need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle
There’s quite a crowd at the lego store
They are lined up for blocks.
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
I don’t trust stairs.
They're always up to something.
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope
An ancient Dad joke
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
If you bought a DeLorean…
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?
I got tired of flipping the little switch on my rear view mirror to dim the headlights.
So I removed the whole mirror. I haven’t looked back since.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!
For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!
Yo mama so fat
Before she was buried the earth was flat
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
Malnourished.
A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor
He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground. The bartender bangs on the door and the guy's wife answers. "Here's your drunken bum of a husband," the bartender says The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
Joke
You could view the cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a big time spoiler….
I told my wife that I don’t want to have children.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
An egg breakup is hard, but after that..
It’s over easy
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
My grocery store had a great deal on baked sweets today
It’s really been a great cake day
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.
That’s….sound advice.
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson
please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
The Avatar should come back to us when he gets old.
Like a good boomer Aang.
Oh dad!
https://ift.tt/2M1XqsC
I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
I was addicted to masturbating, now I’m addicted to sex.
It’s really gotten out of hand.
Veteran retirement salary
3 US Veterans are sitting before their last medical check-up. The doctor walks out and says: we are going to take one measurement from your body and it will be your monthly payment for the retirement. all the veterans agree. The first says from my toes to my head, they take the measurement so doctor says okay its 6ft so we gonna pay you 6000$ a month The second puts his hand as high as he can, the doctor says okay its 6"2 so we gonna pay you 6200$ a month. The Third says I want it from the tip of my dick to my balls. the doctor confused says: Are you sure sir? 100 % he replies. take off his pants and the doctors starts and then asks, where are your balls sir ? he replies: they are In Vietnam son.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
What do diarrhea and eye colour have in common?
It runs in your genes.
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
“Sorry, we’re clothed.”
My friend told me she made synonym buns
I asked if they were just like the ones grammar used to make.
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.