Wholesome boomer
What are the letters in the Pirate alphabet?
I, I, R, and the seven Cs.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.”
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright." "No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker." "I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes."
porno_collection.zip
* sigh * unzips
I met a Jewish girl and she wanted my number
I simply told her we use names here
My cousin’s allergic to shellfish, and I giggled as I told him I put clams in his soup.
You should've seen his reaction…
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" “We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. “It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What did he say?" "He said: 'Where did you get the shitty hairdo?'" Edit: Thank you for the gold.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
Did you hear about the viking Rudolph the Red?
He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife questioned, "What makes you say that?" He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Does anyone else knock on the fridge before opening the door?
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
BJ for Sore Throat
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie. "You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts." Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great." Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better. "You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?" Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
I don’t always roll a joint but when I do…
It’s my ankle.
My dad burst into my room and said, “Wanna hear a joke?”, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute.
He said. “Sorry. That was a long winded story.”
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain…
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision…
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
That’s just how I roll.
How did the Himalayan man jump higher than mount Everest?
Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
he won the no-bell prize!
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
Son asks his father what a Vagina looks like.
Father: Before or after sex? Son: I don't know what that means? Father: Well there are two different types Son: Umm, before sex. Father: Oh well it looks like an Orchid at dawn just as the sun hits it, with dew drops on it, in a Botanical garden in Spring. Son: Oh woah. What does it look like after sex? Father: It looks like a bulldog just ate a jar of mayonnaise.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
My wife is really made at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke." So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
I used to have a dog with no legs named “Cigarette”
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work.
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
I keep asking what does LGBT mean
I can’t even get a straight answer
I angered two people by callling them hipsters…….
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
Last night, I explained to my son what the word “bargain” means.
I think it meant a great deal to him.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.