Wholesome boomer comic shared by my mom on FB
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
this is as close as I could get.
Bigly missing someone who sounds like they have more than a third grade education.
https://ift.tt/2wDJ50J
I once played the triangle in a reggae band but I left
It was just one ting after another
What’s dark but always shines?
Shoe polish.
Men think about sex every 7 seconds…
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds… So it doesn't get weird.
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
The blonde’s password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
But then you realise it’s the only worthwhile thing you can do as a CS major.
https://ift.tt/2rLQp7v
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three.
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.
– – – Because it's capsized
Why shouldnโt you ever iron a four leaf clover?
You donโt want to press your luck.
A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising “World famous punch!”
The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!" He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!" The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line." The man looks around and doesn't see anything.
Why do dogs float in water?
Because theyโre good buoys
My dad told me this just now
Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon Me: Oh jeez Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed Me: Oh my god what happened Dad: He ran out of gas
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy Cop: there's a man in your trunk Me: yea a ๐ง๐๐๐ man
My grandad asked me how to print on his computer…
I told him itโs Ctrl-P. He says he hasnโt been able to do that for ages.
Do you have a vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'. She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'….. .. 'Yes' she says…… The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?
Sony, Panasonic, Toshiba.
They're all stereo types.
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
An Irish Daughter…
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a prostitute…." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club….(takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears…
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Iโm not a one trick pony
I know multiple tricks, and Iโm not a pony
I went to a restaurant…
It was full; no place to sit… I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth…
Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before. Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear what God had to say. After a few minutes the girl was becoming incredibly nervous, assuming that this length of prayer was sure to warrant a heavy punishment. To help ease her racing mind, she poked her head out of the confession booth and waved one of the alter boys to come over. She then asked him, "How much does the Priest usually give for a blowjob?" To which the boy replied, "Usually five bucks and a snickers!"
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people
Why did the girl fall in the well?
She didn't see that well.
I mean, to be frank
I'd have to change my name
