Who’s Line Is It Anyways – Making sure the bit stays honest…
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because
Communication is key
My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms
and it hertz alot.
The first rule of Alzheimer’s Club is.
No text found
A girls goes to the doctor
a girl goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, I have a black dot next to the pussy and do not know what is" The doctor says: "Do you smoke?" "Yes, why do you ask?" "Quit smoking and returns next week" The following week the girl returns: "The point has become bigger!" The doctor, who does not know what to do, says: "Do you drink alcohol?" "Yes, sometimes" "Then stop drinking and come back next week" A week goes by and the girl returns: "doctor, is still there" The doctor is perplexed: "Are you married?' "Yes, why?" "Come back tomorrow with your husband to see if he knows anything" The next day he returns with the husband, who goes in a work suit and the doctor asks him: "What do you work for?" "I'm a carpenter" "Fuck, then take the pencil out your ear when you eat your wife's pussy"
There is one word spelled wrong in the dictionary.
No text found
Why did Costco stop selling 5 gallon jars of pickles?
shelving them was cucumbersome
My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother
until my mom took the urn from me.
i made this in under 2 minutes because i thought about it and needed it to be done
https://ift.tt/374H6j5
My girlfriend told to me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia
She looked up and quietly replied, “they’re right behind you.”
I named my eraser Confidence
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*
Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself Sister-in-law: crying is this why you wanted an open casket
my 7YO hit me with this one this morning
7YO: Knock knock! Me: Who's there? 7YO: Europe Me: Europe who? 7YO: (with mock outrage) I'm not a poo! you're a poo!
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while…
How does a Jewish man make coffee?
Hebrews it.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later,
A drunk man was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk man ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth.." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying
They’re free of charge
A blind man goes into a restaurant…
A blind man goes into a restaurant and sits down at a table. He orders something to drink and says to the waiter "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?"The waiter replies, "Well, actually sir, I am a blonde. And there is a man just over at the bar who is an ex-con with a violent streak and he is a blonde. Also we just seated a body builder who has a temper problem, he is blonde as well. So, I don't know, do you want to tell the joke?"The blind man says, "Well, no not if I have to explain it three times!"
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?
Someone else's pants on. My grandfathers favorite joke.
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
An Aussie walks up to a fruit stand.
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
I’ve gone bald, but kept my comb…
I just can’t part with it
I just heard some bad news about Subway’s 6 inch sub.
They aren’t going to make them any longer.
Apparently babies start walking at around 1.
Well, it's 2:30 now and she hasn't walked at all
What do you call a fictional country?
Imagine-nation
I slipped on my wife’s bra today…
It was a booby trap
