Who’s Line Is It Anyways – Making sure the bit stays honest…
My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it’s strange that the town in the movie Cars is called “Radiator Springs.”
It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."
Tesla’s don’t have that new car smell.
They come with that Elon Musk.
How does a chicken pay its bills?
In quarters.
I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday…
Now I have to wait all day to see it again):
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have
My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “appropriate work attire”.
someone insulted me on my monitor’s refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
If a bisexual isn’t dating anyone…
…does that mean they're on standbi?
They’re finally making a movie about clocks…
…it's about time.
Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?
He got off with a suspension.
Was in the pub with a mate last week…
… and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us. My mate said "pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone". I only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the shit out of us.
How do you know when a joke is a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
![[Everyone liked that], ruining decent memes since 2018.](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/bkute5ld1v051-400x571.jpg)
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
Can a ninja throw stars?
Shurikan
“My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it's what he would have wanted."
Why are Apple stores hypocritical?
Because to construct them, you need to install windows
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip
The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex
To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.
What did one oar say to the other oar?
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
My gf tried to persuade me to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid!
These fireworks are so annoying
It's all I've heard all year
A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building…
He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Kids ask their mother how they were named
1st Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a lily fell on your head. So we named you Lily. Lily: That’s so cool! 2nd Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a rose fell on your head. So we named you Rose. Rose: That’s so cool! 3rd Child: guguhu sjebe kddekw? Mother: What did you say, Brick?
Tom’s scrotum
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.) "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.) "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief.) The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum."
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found on the first page of a google search using keywords and it isn’t a quick edit of an existing template, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!
Is this sub dead?
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
