Who’s the bitch now?
A Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar …
and it doesn't.
A Bridge Too Soon
A Bridge Too Soon
Kids should not run with scissors
And lesbians should not scissor with the runs
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate
They'll kill your dog
If the person who named walkie-talkies also named other things…
Stamp – licky-sticky Defibrillator – hearty-starty Bumble bee – fuzzy-buzzy Fork – stabby-grabby Socks – feety-heaties Nightmare – screamy-dreamy Tennis racket – stringy-swingy Cactus – pricky-sticky Squid – squishy-fishy Horror film – thrashy-slashy Whisky – stinky-drinky Wasp – stingy-wingy Parrot – wordie-birdie Auto-correct – writey-righty Lifejacket – boaty-coaty
What’s the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?
They both get stoned after sex
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
My wife thinks I should sing Solo
Solo that no one will hear me
My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.
I'm the real part.
Lawyer joke from my 8 year old
What do you call a crappy lawyer? An a-turd-ney
These two guys at the golf course were talking about their blood sugar levels, while they prepared for their opening shots.
Silence fell as they put their stands in the grass, and when I looked closer at these stands I saw the design of them. Yellow and black, with wings attached to the sides. "Those stands are hideous," I said out loud, but neither of them heard me. I think they had dire bee tees.
Why do detectives have such bad posture?
Because they always have a hunch.
My son said he was going to read a book by the fire.
I said, "That's a weird name for an author."
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your Jeans.
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.
Why did no one want to marry the tennis player?
Love meant nothing to him.
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?
Sorry, that's my fault.
How many people are dead in that graveyard?
All of ‘em, I hope!
I’ve just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden and I’m thinking…
"Who's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
It's really hard to quit cold turkey
Why isn’t there a decent setting for these toast machines?
Why isn’t there a decent setting for these toast machines?
What does a frog do with a piece of paper?
Rip it! 6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. 🙂
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
Life is like a toilet paper
One minute you’re on a roll And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole
The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why…..
The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.
My friend said she can put her legs behind her head
I told her it sounded like a bit of a stretch
[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me…
Groom: After me.. Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious? Bride: No, his name is Mike.
Did you hear about the sour grape?
All he did was wine
My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
Two guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
They threw one over board and the boat is now a cigarette lighter.
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees
They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
Then Soviet
Why did the super villain cross the road?
To get to the other sidekick.
My wife and I argued about the roof of a building.
I hope it doesn't terrace apart.
Wife Missing
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That's where I draw the line.
I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today’s meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop…
I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room…