Who’s thirsty?
Want to make your water bed more bouncy?
Use, spring water.
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
A man walks into a bar.
Lucky bastard.
I went for a job interview the other day.
They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."
After two weeks of trying, my wife just told me she was pregnant.
She has the world worst stutter.
The mob may be the mother of tyrants, but Judas also claimed to be a brother to Jesus.
https://ift.tt/3drAqOT
A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going.
“I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response. “A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?” “My wife,” the drunk man answers.
It was the first day of school…
… and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863!" The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "Send them all back." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro answered, "Stephen Miller, 2016!" The student in the back yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" The teacher said to the student in the back, "Stop that right now, or I will alert the principal!" The anonymous student replied to her, "I didn't do anything wrong, everything I said was perfect!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Donald Trump, 2020." The teacher stormed out of the class to get the principal, and as the classmates looked at each other, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro to get him to shut up, while someone else yells "Duck"! Pedro calls out, "Dick Cheney 2006!"
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.
Poor bastard.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
robin: oh no the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
Some bloke just threw a glass of milk at me…
I thought, how dairy
Pussy and Bitch
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are? He says, "Well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him, "Pussy and bitch." Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle.
Congratulations USA
Zero school shootings so far this year.
My wife emailed me the pictures of our first date together, but I couldn’t open any of the files.
I have serious emotional attachment issues.
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
French people don’t masturbate
They jacques off
My boss fired me for cracking to many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
You can never run through campgrounds
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it
My gf left a note on the fridge: this is not working, im going to my mom’s house.
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
The doctors said that my blood was type-A
But that was a type-O
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away…
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
What do you call a 45 Cents concert?
50 Cents featuring Nickel back
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Don’t be sarcastic with a kleptomaniac.
They take everything literally
I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.
But nobody will do it.
A vegan kept telling me selling meat is gross
I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer