Who’s thirsty?
My dad is addicted to ladders
He uses them to get high.
They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket..
They lied, everyone else had their clothes on
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
Wasabi!
A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question
"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?" The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond. She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear" The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick dictionary of english. "Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom" The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition. "Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes. Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable arguement where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing." The teacher is shocked, The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in dissapointment, tears filling his eyes. About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile. "Don't worry class!" she rejoices, "That one is American English" Made in response to all the lockdown protestors in America who won't stfu and stop putting their country to shame. They don't define America Edit: I'm confused by the angry Americans, Why come to r/jokes without your sense of humour. It's not meant as a slight to america as a whole, just that small group who are protesting the lockdowns.
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.
If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be…
How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?
Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
My wife left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
I suggested to the national park service we release clay pigeons back into the wild.
That idea was immediately shot down
Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin.
One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.
A Chinese man walks into a bar and sits right next to a Jewish man.
The Jewish man starts eyeing the Chinese man suspiciously, a dark expression covering his face. Suddenly, with no warning at all, he stands up, grabs the Chinese man by the neck, smashes his face against the bar and throws him to the floor. The Chinese man, dazed and angry, stands up and confronts the Jewish man. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why would you do that?!” The Jewish man looks him in the eye and says “That was for bombing Pearl Harbor.” The Chinese man froze. “For bombing Pe- but that was the Japanese!! I am Chinese!” “Japanese, Chinese, Korean, you’re all the same to me”, said the Jewish man. Dumbfounded, the Chinese man sits at the bar and orders another beer. He keeps eyeing the Jewish man, a dark expression on his face. Suddenly, he grabs his beer mug and smashes it against the Jewish man’s face, then proceeds to punch him and kick him until the Jewish man isn’t moving any more. He sits back at the bar. After a couple of minutes, the Jewish man struggles to his feet, stumbles to the bar, and confronts the Chinese man. “What the fuck was that about?” The Chinese man sips his beer, and without looking at the Jewish man, he says “That was for sinking the Titanic.” Outraged, the Jewish man goes red. “Sinking the Ti- that was an iceberg!!” The Chinese man shrugs. “They’re all the same to me, icebergs, Goldbergs, Rosenbergs, Silberbergs…”
I used to think toking weed and snorting lines of coke made me a cool guy
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
Passenger taps his cab driver on the shoulder, The drivers shits himself, almost hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window
"Wow youre jumpy arent you, i just tapped you on the shoulder" said the passenger "Sorry" said the driver "its my first day on the job and ive been driving a hearse the past 20 years"
Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes?
The cornea the better
Wife Missing
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
I always get sad when I crush my drink cans.
It’s soda pressing.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black
Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark
My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.” I snickered, “Oh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”
She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”
Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you…
Smoking bacon cures it
Pussy and Bitch
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are? He says, "Well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him, "Pussy and bitch." Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
He knows all the racist slogans, but don’t have any idea that they are…Sure, Jan
https://ift.tt/2XMxYMr
What do cars and Scientology have in common?
Cruise control
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus.
Why is a chemist good at DJing?
Because they know when to drop the base.
So we all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
I named my dick sgt. Hartman.
Cause it's good at drilling privates.
Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
What does the horse say after falling?
“Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up”
