Whstd red…
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
The fact that this happened at a private school is crazyy
The fact that this happened at a private school is crazyy
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted.
When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
(From a 6-year old) Why did Cinderella always lose at tennis?
Because her coach was a PUMPKIN.
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
Waist of time.
I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,
"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Do you like sex?" I said, "Of course I like sex." She said, "Do you like to travel?" I said, "Yeah, I love to travel." She said, "Then fuck off."
Diarrhea Awareness starts tomorrow.
Runs for 2 days.
Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.
A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum".
My wife dated a professional clown before we started going out.
I had some big shoes to fill.
I don’t like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.
As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?" And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"
You should invest in these stocks:
Chicken, vegetable, and beef. You’ll be a bouillonaire in no time.
if 666 is all evil
then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil
Teacher asked “What is the formula of water?” Student said “H I J K L M N O” teacher said “that’s not the formula of water”
Student said “you said the formula was H to O”.
A lady was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
The doctor said to the husband, "don't get too alarmed… She's just having contractions."
People say i look better without glasses
But i just can't see it.
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
If you remember the OG Morbius DS, well introducing an even worst spin-off Madame Web on the Wii
If you remember the OG Morbius DS, well introducing an even worst spin-off Madame Web on the Wii
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him…
… the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."
Hypothermia is the coolest way to die
No text found
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
I’m the spokesperson
I just had a physical, the doctor said “don’t eat anything fatty”
I said “like bacon and burgers?” He said “no fatty, don’t eat anything!”
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one.
So I got a cake -Mitch Hedberg
“Has your dog got a name?”
"Yes," I replied. "It's called a Labrador."
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.