WHY πππ€£ππππ€£π€£π€£
An Irishman applied for a job working with the local blacksmith.
βHave you ever shoed horses before?β the blacksmith asked him. βNo,β replied the Irishman, βbut I did tell a donkey to fuck off once.β
If a plant is sad.Do other plants photosympathise with it?
No they chlorofeel.
What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
βWhat are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer. βI use them in my juggling act,β says the juggler. βOh yeah?β βLetβs see you do it.β Says the policeman. So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, βWow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test theyβre making you do now!β
I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, βYou know, Iβd like another one.β
A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
βWhatβs wrong with him?β he asks his assistant. βHe came in for some cough syrup,β the assistant explains βbut I couldnβt find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives insteadβ. βWhat?!β the chemist says, horrified. βYou canβt treat a cough with laxatives!β βOf course you can,β the assistant declares. βLook at him – heβs far too scared to cough.β
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
I recently started taking my paddle boat out on the lake
I feel like canoe person
I just took an AND test
Turns out Iβm 100% dyslexic.
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and canβt do it, they have to buy everyoneβs drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if heβs willing to try it and the guy says βno, the steaks are too highβ.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
he won the no-bell prize!
A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.
Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times. Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. The woman gets well soon and gives birth to three healthy triplets, two girls and one boy. The incident at the bank gets forgotten over the time. Fourteen years later, one of the daughters comes to her mother, obviously upset: "Mommy, mommy!" M: "What's the matter, sweetie?" D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. " M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again." One week later, the second daughter runs to her mother, upset: "Mommy, mommy!" M: "What's the matter, sweetie?" D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. " M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again." Another week later, the son comes to his mother, also upset: "Mommy, mommy!' M: "What's the matter, sweetie? No, wait, let me guess. You had to pee and found a bullet in the bowl?" S: "No, but I was jerking off and shot the cat!"
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
My iPhone made an album of when I took my kitten to the hospital and she died last year.
https://ift.tt/2xxrAzi
Why are there only 239 beans in a can?
If thereβs one more, it would be too farty.
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have
My boss still didnβt think a spacesuit was βappropriate work attireβ.
I was having trouble fastening my seat belt
and then it just clicked
My mum was a 100M runner and my dad was a marathon runner.
Sadly, no one approved of their relationship. In the old days no one like mixed race marriages.
My happiness quickly turned to disappointment when I found all the comic books I ordered were missing the last page…
So now I have to draw my own conclusions…
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. "I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
Iβm not sure why my heating bill is so high?
If youβd like to come over to offer me any advice my door is always open
A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off. "Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered. "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
A redhead tells her blonde sister, “I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
I’m not sure why we don’t classify churches as businesses.
They are for-prophet organizations, after all.
Last St. Patrick’s Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
My drug test came back negative
My dealer sure has some explaining to do..
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
My wife and I share a sense of humour
We have to. She doesn't have one.
I’ve developed a fear of negative numbers.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why didnβt the Asian guy get a high five?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging