Why
The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.
I entered a pun contest once
You had to send in your best puns, via snail mail, in an orderly list. I sent ten in, thinking at least one would win me a prize, but no pun in ten did.
My wife complains that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my bags and right
I used to think all black people had boomboxes.
Turned out it was just a stereo type.
Procrastination is like masturbation…
It feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself.
Lent is the best time of the year to run a marathon.
Because that's when you fast.
You know why aliens haven’t visited us yet?
They checked our reviews. One star.
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
Did you hear of the dog with denchers?
It was all bark and no bite.
“I have a split personality”
Said Tom, being frank
If you ever feel your job is meaningless…
Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's
Walking through the mall with my 9 yr old and a kiosk saleswoman waves a sample of lotion and asks ‘A gift for your daughter?’
I said 'No, thank you' and then looked down at my daughter and said 'Can you believe she thought I'd trade you away for just a tiny bit of lotion? I'd need a whole bottle, at least!' She thought that was pretty funny.
![[OC] I’m so sorry](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/wi5qdkkwvuv21-400x331.jpg)
I cant take My dog to the pond anymore cuz the geese keep attacking him.
I guess thats whats I deserve for having a Pure bread dog
True story but funny.
While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it… tax dollars in action I guess. As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying" type screaming. I look around and see that this womans arm is on fire! She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air! The cops jump into action and put the fire out, then arrest and handcuff her! I think this is a bit harsh and that the woman should be going to the hospital, not jail so I ask one cop why are they arresting her. The cop replied, "For waving a firearm in public"
Horny Husband
With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. "Honey, you're so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she'll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!" He couldn't believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. "She says fifty isn't enough. She wants hundred!" His wife was mad, Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
why did the can-crusher quit it’s job?
because it was soda-pressing!
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re scared of Wales
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!
Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.
"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion. He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do. The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?" "Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! " "Are you religious? the doctor asks. "Not at all," says the patient. "Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can." The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!" "No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest fucking 6 months you've ever had."
My sister just asked me to help do some chores, but I refused.
I said, “I can’t be your brother and assister too.”
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.
I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door. I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?” I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!” “Great” she said. ”Can you watch my dog?”
They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.
No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.
My dad always told me that I am special, that I’m the 1%.
Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
How do you cure depression ?
Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.
What is a pirate’s favourite letter?
You may think it's R But his first love be the C
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
Boy George has 5 reddit accounts and likes to switch between them.
He's a karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-chameleon.
The other day I beat my son at dominos.
I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…..
You have my Word.
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.
The cashier said : “hardback?” I said: “yeah and little heads”
What’s 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?
The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…
I didn't even know they could knit!
Baby Yoda’s first word
Probably came after his second word.
How did Darth Vader know Santa had arrived?
He could sense his presents.
A slice of apple pie is £2.50 in Jamaica and £3 in the Bahamas
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Whats red and smells like yellow paint
Red paint
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”