Why
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted.
My obese parrot died the other day
I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on.
I’d be like, “Why y’all keep giving me all these dimes?”
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
What do you call a cow in a band?
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. He’ll be a great dad one day.
What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?
A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
My mom sent me this one and unironically said it might as well be true nowadays…
https://ift.tt/2PLChDH
My 7 year old’s first comeback line
My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes. We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said – oh I really want to go to Disneyland! To which my son said- and I really want a twister! ( Ice lolly). My wife looked at him doting on his innocence and said- Baby your dreams are so simple and innocent! To which my son replied- yeah and yours probably won't come true!
I couldn’t remember if the sun rose in the east or the west
and then it dawned on me
You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.
Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine
I love pressing the F5 key.
It's very refreshing.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
Women are like grenades…
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
My dream girl is made of chocolate
I Hershey kisses good too
Two cartoonists fought each other to death and the police are investigating
The details are pretty sketchy and the reports are saying it ended in a draw
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I was born with two kidneys,
Now I've got two adult knees.
A man walks into the doctor’s office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."
I like my women like i like my toasters
Turned on and in the bath tub with me
they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
What do you call a man with a shovel?
Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglass.
My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
A bee keeper walks into a pet store
He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident. He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.” The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"
How do you cut an ocean in two?
with a sea-saw
My dad had a stroke today and made a joke in the hostpital.
So today my dad had a stroke and while we were waiting for doctors to come back he grabbed all the cords to the ekg cords connected to him and said, "I feel like I'm behind the TV!" My dad always makes jokes in time of panic and pain. I guess that's where I get it from.