Why?

My wife thinks Iβm a light sleeper. I disagree.
I sleep in the dark.
Doctor: Did you know that you have a severe inability to vocalize your emotions?
Me: βI canβt say Iβm surprised.β
Why did the first people to fly a plane succeed?
They were Wright
A Woman Is Out Golfing And Finds A Frog Trapped In The Woods
A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods. When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good. Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes.
Apple really is the most futuristic company out there
They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!
The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run
I guess school really does prepare you for the real world
Iβve tried to use the word βmuchoβ when speaking with my Hispanic friends.
It really means a lot to them.
Why are old people so wrinkled?
Ever try to iron one?
I’m telling dad jokes…..
Sometimes he even laughs!
Why do some people post long jokes here?
This isn't where they be long.
I’m entering into the world’s tightest hat competition
I hope I can pull it off.
What do you call a cheap circumsision?
A rip off.
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’
I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"
The word nun…
…is just the letter n doing a forward roll.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
Whatβs the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people
A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.
He exchanges CΒ₯10,000 and gets US$1,500. The next day, he exchanges another CΒ₯10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why. The exchange clerk says, βFluctuations.β The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, βFluctuamelicans!β
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers ?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
A shy man enters a bar
He sees a cute girl sitting at the bar and sits down near her. About an hour later he finally comes up to her and quietly asks her: -Excuse me miss, could I buy you a drink? The girl screams: -No! I am NOT having sex with you!! Everyone at the bar turns and stares at him. Humiliated, he walks away. A few minutes later the girl walks up to him and says: -I'm sorry I embarrassed you. See, I am a psychology student and I am observing human behavior in uncomfortable situations. The man turns and yells: -What do you mean for $200?!
Is it just me or are circles pointless
No text found
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You…". He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a nearby church requesting for the priest. "Father, pls come with me. Come and witness God and Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery". They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You…". Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: "What About The Two At The Gate? Let's get them". You should see the marathon. The priest almost ran past the church gate shouting: "Please no! We are not dead yet".
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, βSurely, itβs not going to rain again today?β
She replied, βYes, it is and donβt call me Shirley!β I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again…
There are 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
Iβm so unfamiliar with the gym these days…
I call it James.

Got this from my grandmother today, even had the forwarded remark on Whatsapp
https://ift.tt/2y0m0Wh
Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
The sign reads βBeware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!" A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!" Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash! The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?β
My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.
I'm the real part.
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I hope it's just a phase.
An antivaxer has a heart attack. He’s rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.
Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, βDon't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?β The antivaxer thinks and says, βI know there must be reasons, beyond our understanding, why evil is allowed to exist. But why on Earth do you allow the evil, corrupt system of vaccines to exist?!β God shakes His head, patiently. βMy child,β He says, βIt is not evil to be mistaken. Which is to your benefit, because in this case, the mistake is yours. Just as so many people have tried to tell you over the years, vaccines are effective and far safer than the diseases they protect against. I give you My Word on that. Now, return, with My Peace upon you.β Suddenly, the antivaxer is staring up at the ceiling of an operating room, as his heart starts beating on its own once more. By the time he's able to receive visitors, the man is desperate to talk to his antivax friends, to let them know the vital truth he brought back from the other side. He calls them all and insisted that they be there at his side the very minute he's cleared to see anyone – he has huge, huge, HUGE news for them. Finally, his friends are gathered around him, and he motions for them to gather close. βIt turns out,β he starts, βthe conspiracy goes a LOT higher up than we thoughtβ¦β