why
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings…
I have a complex complex complex…
Spelling An L
Is down-right easy
Whatโs the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didnโt beat cancer
What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
“I’d like to have a toast” said the father-in-law at his daughters wedding
"Add some jam on it," he continued (Smh this wasn't appreciated enough at r/jokes)
LPT: When you are telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you say the entire joke.
Because it isnโt easy to tell them a part.
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
I just noticed…….
I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery. Had them tested and one came back positive. Hope it's not terminal.
What does Batman like in his drink?
Just ice.
I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.
I could not take the pane.
How do you upset a vegan by email?
Send them some spam
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
Itโs kind of silly weโre trying turning plants into burgers
Havenโt cows been doing that for like, forever?
Why can’t you trust atoms?
because they make up everything.
I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.
It is actually the San Andreas's fault.
If you work for Starbucks, and are caught stealing beans…
It's grounds for dismissal.
learning to walk in high heels really kept me on my toes
No text found
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here
A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Four men went golfing together one day…
Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad : No, it doesnโt.
I donโt hate ALL of the periodic table.
Just elements of it
The past, present and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but soon fell asleep.
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
Why are balloons so expensive
Inflation
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
A man goes to a brothel.
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I wan to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row." "Where are you from?" The man replied, " New Brunswick ." "Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney." "She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens