Why?
My girlfriend is a pornstar
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
Think you know everything about the letter t?
That's just the half of it.
When a woman is giving birth….
She is literally kidding.
My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.
That came out of nowhere.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
Never going drinking with Train drivers again……
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug’
One day in class, the teacher brought a bag…
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No, it's a beet, but I like the way you think. – Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like the way you think" the teacher replies. "Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like the way you think." Johnny has had enough, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand down my pants. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter… but I like the way you think!!!"
We’ve got a Polish sound guy
Cheque one too
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Why did Shakespeare always write using a pen?
Pencils confused him…2B or not 2B?
Did you know you can’t run in campgrounds?
You can only ran, because it's past tents
I was a big metal fan back in high school.
Back in high school I was a big metal fan. At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party. It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden … and probably quite a few more. As the night went on people are getting drunker and drunker and a few even disappear upstairs to hook up. I was standing in the corner by myself not really interacting with anyone else. I had spent the whole winter sitting in a damp basement in front of a computer and was probably a bit rusty. The party's heating up and this blonde girl notices me standing there and walks over to me. She had already taken her jacket off and was just wearing a tank top. This girl looked super hot. She smiles and runs her hand over me. My pole was seriously hard. Then she kneels down in front of me and as you can imagine I was already turned on at this point. She's pushing all my buttons and my head is spinning. It's not long before I blow all over her face and chest. Her boyfriend is right in the next room, she hadn't closed the door and he just saw the whole thing. He walks up to us, looking really hot under the collar. He gets right up in my face and she backs away, but she accidentally trips over my extension chord because I was a … big … metal … fan.
Why can’t a pirate ever finish the alphabet ?
Because they are always stuck at C. 🐟🦑🐙
Electrons have mass?!
I didn’t even know they were catholic!
My gf tried to persuade me to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord
Waiter: I’m glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?
Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.
An old Jew on his deathbed
A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here." He then says: "Are my children — my wonderful children — are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here … why is the light on in the kitchen?"
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
Why did the student Google all the topics related to his essay twice?
Because he was asked to research.
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just don’t pick it up.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it
I think I managed to cover my tracks
I, for one
Like roman numerals.
If your here for pee jokes, urine luck
No text found
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
None of them work.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
Why does Dwayne Johnson sleep under a pile of magazines?
Because paper covers rock!
If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs,
I'd have a pound.
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
My wife is like a newspaper…
there is a new issue every single day.
If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.
That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.
