Why?
Why I’m divorced.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.β I thought β¦. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids …. they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected. As I walked into my office, my hot boss, sam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when sam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, sam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, sam said, 'It's such a beautiful day β¦ we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner. After arriving at her house, sam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.' And I just sat there …. on the sofa …. naked.
I love the way the Earth rotates
It really makes my day
My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue by mistake.
Sheβs still not talking to me.
There are 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history
They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. βI too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.β She said, βYes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.β Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jimβs pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, βYou told me your penis was the size of an infant!β βYes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!β
I hate autocorrect…
It always makes me say things I didnβt Nintendo…
The museum guide
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why did the coffee file a police report
It got mugged
I lost my job at the bank my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My pronouns are He/Hee
Why’s there no original content on this site anymore?
because everyone's already Redd-it
I left my ex-girlfriend because of her obsession with counting…
I wonder what she's up to now?
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you.”
"What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on…. my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"
The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.
Maybe thatβs why everyone is so scared of clowns.
Why did Robin Hood pull out of the archery competition?
He found it an arrowing experience
People have called me a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn’t say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
Me: *wears camouflage*
Every Dad: Woah didnβt see ya there
Twenty years ago, I married my best friend in the whole world.
If my wife ever finds out, sheβll kill me!
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
I don’t like people that take drugs.
Airport security, for example.
Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says…
is anything okay?
My son asks me, “What does gay mean?”
Me: "It means 'happy," Son: "Oh, so are you gay, then?" Me: "No, son, I have a wife."
Why couldnβt the Mexican archer use his bow?
He didnβt habanero.
I know a kid who was born without eyelids. His parents decided to have him circumcised and used his foreskin as a skin graft for his eyelids. The surgery went really well….
…. although afterwards he was a bit cockeyed.
Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her,
βOn what day will I Die?β The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. βWhy are you so sure of that?β demanded Hitler. βAny day,β she replied, βon which you die will be a Jewish holiday.β
What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?
Oh, high marks.
Son: βDad, your clothes look gay.β
Dad: βI just got them out of the closet though.β
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad : No, it doesnβt.
Whoever stole my Microsoft office account ID, I will find you.
You have my Word.
A man bought a parrot but it had a bad attitude and a fowl vocabulary…
He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its dirty language but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot flies out, lands on his perch, and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness." The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask – what did the chicken do?"
Just called the tinnitus hotline
It didnβt stop ringing
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
Barney Rubble’s previous wife was very weak
Which might explain why she was called "Vulner".
“If organ trafficking is illegal….”
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad